Full moon craziness

It is quarter past four and I am wide awake.  That can only mean one thing - full moon. One of the things I have come to realise is I sometimes suffer from the full moon crazies. It is not particularly unpleasant however it is a little disconcerting at times. I  am snuggled up in bed with the dog who is snoring like a herd of pigs, oblivious to my desire to kick her out of bed. I have long since stopped trying to reclaim my bed. In 3 hours it will be exactly 16 years since eldest daughter was born.  I sometimes forget the rush of love I felt when she was born and the instinct of wanting to protect  her. Sometimes I feel I made so many mistakes in my life and I should have done do many things differently, one of those things is how I raised my children. As a child I felt very unloved by my parents so I think I tried to give my children what I lacked instead of giving them what they needed. I recently realised the one thing I really lacked was the ability to express how I felt in a way my parents could understand.  As an adult I realise that children interpret the would in a very different way and it is our job to guide the child. Recently I have come up the realisation that the person I need to re- parent is myself. The realisation that I need to be kinder to myself and learn self compassion is profound. I do not need to be do critical. It serves no purpose. I need to be entirely less critical of everything, it is something that is holding me back. My younger daughter did wonderful things today and I failed to appreciate them, I criticised, the dog just wants a big fuss when I come home and yet I feel out upon, I criticise, my eldest had worked hard to behave well and yet I criticise.  I think it's time for me to try a whole day without criticism constructive or otherwise. I love the concept of feedback. But it is just another word for criticism, am thinking its time for some twitter stream of consciousness therapy..
So it is 16 years since the biggest life changing event I had. The main thing I have learned is that no matter how hard we try as parents, without communication we can never fully understand our child's needs. My next lesson in life is to learn to listen. I have learned to speak, I have found my voice , now it is time to learn to use my ears and hear what it is others have to say. Two ears and one mouth to be used in that proportion.
Happy Wednesday and I hope that in 16 years time I will be sound asleep free from the full moon crazies and a hiccuping dog.   

Beyond the veil

I have never connected with the feelings I am currently experiencing. I woke up Tuesday not knowing what had been going on for the last few months. I could not remember what I had to do , what job I did, what day it was or to a lesser extent who I was. It was like was in the middle of a dream.  I was experiencing a slight wave of disassociation and just could not push myself to do all that was needed. My mind said no more you need to take some time to ground yourself. I have been fighting this for weeks and in fact months. Just keeping going to the next milestone but as I passed the one I was fully focused on I just could not find the will to get up to go to the next. I had forgotten why I bothered. Today it was more of the same, the sense of a veil being lifted and the horror of all the foolish decisions of my life unveiled before me. We all made foolish decisions that is average. The thing is without that time machine we can't go back and undo them. It's about the lessons learned from them. So today instead of beating myself up about all the foolish ones I shall do a learning log of the experience I gained from them, an audit if my decisions good and bad. In the spirit of self compassion I will take a look at what it is I can take from my life so far and improve on. I might not have a cent to pay the rent but were gonna make it .... As the song goes. I have found a great new way of relieving stress- chopping wood :-) soon I will have sawed up all the broken furniture I was storing in the garage to take to the dump, the old doors, I shall have to take myself off to the woods and collect stuff to saw up or even raid skips. Just doing the simple basics can be just as good as any theraphy . I wonder what made me neglect myself for so long. I deserve to be cared for and I deserve to care for myself . So today I am cleaning the house starting in my own room. I hope that when I wake up tomorrow the order I have given myself today will make it easy for me to face all the things I can see again and know I need to deal with. Happy Wednesday 

I deserve

I forget to do things that keep me well. I need to remember, like the l'oreal ad to treat myself well ... Because I am worth it. So last week I decided to think of all of the things I did not do allow into my life. Things I think I will never have. I think I will never have a loving partner, my own home, happy children, enough money, peace of mind, full health, a contented old age, a job that I love, the courage  to do things other people take for granted, and most important of all - self confidence. I hear that voice - that's not for the likes of us. That voice is what keeps me in my place and recently that place was misery. Being miserable is a place where I am comfortable, a familiar place but not exactly where I deserve to be. As I awaken from the last few moths of fog, I realise that I was not a good friend to myself, I deserve better that I have been giving myself. Tonight I walked the dog down the road to the sea. There was a cold breeze, the moon was full and the water gleamed in that lovely silvery moon light. I thought how lovely it would be to be out walking with someone who I could share the beauty of the night with. But the thing is I here myself to enjoy it, I was going home to a lovely cozy fire with me happy dog to my lovely daughter that I perhaps don't appreciate enough. I decided to count my blessings. I slipped back to old patterns but I don't have to stay there. The world will not end if I remember to put myself first , in fact might end if I don't.  I deserve love, I deserve companionship, I deserve to be heard, I deserve to be listened to, I deserve respect, I deserve comfort, I deserve health, I deserve the money I earn, I deserve to be happy. Would I be such a bad person to feel I deserve these things. I was raised to put others first and now it is time to let go of that. I deserve to put myself first because I am worth it. 

Into the forest

I am now wandering into unchartered territory in my life. Today I overslept and when I woke I did not know what day it was what I should be doing or what was going on. The only thing I knew is that some awful weight had been lifted from me and I finally was able to give myself permission not to jump out of bed and push myself into a day of chaos. So now I wonder what to do jump out of bed , go back to sleep , or just do some of the jobs I have been putting off ,
I think it is finally time to accept that I have an illness , many people have this , many people function with it by careful management. I have wanted to be back to normal but it has been so long I don't know what that is. Time I think to take the day minute by minute again. I have been setting goals for myself to reach before I can take time to rest and just getting worse. I learnt a great lesson yesterday . I have been trying to work out if it is genuine fatigue or depression . I was advised to ask the question do I feel better after a rest . If the answer is yes it is fatigue if no then more likely to be depression. I have thoughts of jobs not done at work . Things other people want me to do but I just want to take it easy and relax , is it avoidance or is it just time for me to say look everyone enough is enough I just need some time out so that I can face you all again and be well enough to keep going. This is the bit where I need guidance , where I need someone to say hey Jane it's ok you will find your way again . When you enter a new phase a new forest it can be hard to stay on the right path . Hopefully I will find my way and get back in the groove :-) 

Merry go round

They say experience is learning to recognise your mistakes each time you make them, I am drenched in experience it seems.  I sometimes engage in reckless behaviour when depressed. We all have our own non healthy bahaviors that see us through a rough patch , it could be gambling, drugs or just eating too many chocolate brownies. Mine is to blind myself to reality and take up with entirely unsuitable men. The confession is liberating as I do not share this too often.  If there is Man out there who can spot a woman who will fall for his lines then he will find me when I am feeling less than fabulous and I will blightly follow him.  I have put safe guards in place now.  I hope my latest fool hardiness will be the last.  Amazingly this time I trusted my instincts and checked the evidence.  So I think I might be at last llearning from my mistakes.  I feel spectacularly foolish this time and more than a little embarrassed for my foolishness , but I have spent the last hour reminding myself that I had the courage to take a chance and make a mistake. I am now learning to practice self compassion and it is such a joy to move away from the awful self critism of late. Today's lesson has been to forgive myself for making a mistake. Sometimes we believe what we hear because we want to believe its true but if it seems too good to be true it probably is. Tomorrow is another day and out there somewhere is someone nice, honest and respectful , who won't feel the need to lie to me and accepts themselves and me just as we are. It's time for me to move on to the next phase of my life with courage and alone. Maybe if I approve of myself I won't need to rely on the approval of others anymore. I have made all sorts of foolish choices over the course of my life and it really is time to forgive myself and move on. I hope I will learn to treat myself with the compassion I deserve. So today forgive yourself and treat yourself with the compassion you deserve and need. Happy Wednesday.

Here we go

One of the side effects of anti depressant medication can be an increase in suicidal thoughts . My doctor explained this to me in very simple terms. When you start to come out of the depressive fog a realisation of all the problems awaiting you can be overwhelming. This can lead to suicidal thoughts . I was visited by such a thought recently. My plan has always been to jump off something very high so there is no chance of being stopped or of being revived. I suppose the reason that it is such a good plan is that I have yet to find such a place! When I feel the thoughts creating up it is usually a strange urge to climb over a bridge railing and jump. I suppose it is more like a need to escape than any thing else. I have been depressed recently. It was brought on by a combination of exhaustion and the realisation of how my flawed thinking has kept me from living my life for myself. It has always been that I must do what others want so that I can keep them happy. I had an astonishing realisation that I have allowed so many people to manipulate me and I have been a willing participant in it. I have been brave recently and  behaved like an adult, I am finally facing up to many things I have blocked out. There is that awful dip now that I heard about but what goes up must come down or in this case what goes down will come back up. Hope springs eternal. Last week I wished I believed in god so I could pray for help but I realised that it is all within myself. So I I let go and let my subconscious guide me and so far I am able to get up and function at about 50% of normal. I have to let go of more before I am back to my normal functioning and by cutting myself infj ate slack I know I will get that. Fog always clears in the presence of the sun so I think I will take the time to create my own sun. Today is not a day for looking for the perfect jumping point it is a day for throwing back the curtains and letting the sun in. Happy Sunday to you all. Remember to stay away from the edge as it is just too tempting to go over . I am going to remain firmly on the ground , feet firmly planted in reality. Here's hoping I don't get too stuck in the mud.

Just stop

Sometimes we endure for no reason because it never occurs to us not to .

Heart thaw , brain melt

My last post was written just before my mood dropped to the lowest point it reached since I recovered . They say pride comes before a fall and as always they are right. I connected with a new feeling and I had no idea what it was ,so I searched and rooted around to find out what it was.  They also say let sleeping dogs lie, and by feck are They right. I think I rooted out my brain and every bad though I ever had , I thawed so much my brain melted.  I believed that I would stay well forever. So the days under the duvet returned . Once again I began to define myself by what I could not do. I forgot to trust myself, I listened while other people told me how I felt, how I should live, I forgot that I am responsible for my life.  That awful brain buzz that heralds the start of a dip started.  There was so little room in my brain for any other thought other than how I would never feel well again. I felt responsible for everyone except myself. My feelings were caused by what was said to me at work, by the way a grumpy old man shouted at my dog, by the fact that my father never allowed me the freedom to be me, by the fact that my significant other no longer wanted me, by the weather, the bank , oh and of course organised religion. That really fucked me up I told me self and well yes it did but I still forgot my tool and everything I had learned in the previous year .  I am responsible for my wellness and if I don't look after myself I will not stay well.  Others and situations my cause me to fall down but I get back up by remembering to ask for help and look after the basics.  Today I was remaindered of that. So I asked for help , I went to my doctor , wonderful man , I just needed to be reminded of what keeps me well , reducing my stressors and knowing my limits. Deep down we all know what we need to do to stay well, sometimes I is something hard difficult or unpleasant , like facing up fully to a difficult situation or do things that are not enjoyable.  I know that I need to face up to my own inadequacies but I forgot that I am not defined by them.  I know that I have the tools to stay well I just have to use them. And so a new cycle of acceptance of who I am begins.  There are things that I have done that I am not proud of but that is balanced by the good things . So now I give myself a pat on the back , well done me for all my efforts , hard work pays off and so does having fun.  I thought I would be locked in the cycle of brain buzz forever , I just needed to switch it off and remember that we all have to work at it and that is what I need to do.  So happy Saturday all you people in blogger land.  Remember the basics, trust yourself , trust your instincts, am endorse your efforts for everything you do, even if you don't have all the answers out there somewhere is someone who can answer them one at a time. 

Go on, be a softie. Feel your heart start to thaw.

I have been using twitter to connect with my emotions and today I found this.  My heart is starting to thaw.  I made a number of emotional connections last week and am starting to realise that the very very strange feeling I have is like a thaw.  I cannot label it at all , its like a mixture of relief, sadness, regret, optimism, love,  and who knows what all rolled into one.  I feel scared, shaky and vulnerable but in a good way.  So what else does a girl do in the modern world when faced with  lack of knowledge Google it.  So google tells me it is thawing of frozen feelings.  The general response I have when in a stressful situation is to freeze.  So now I am starting to thaw.
I wonder if the thaw will be a drip drip or a total flood, only time will tell!

stars cant shine without darkenss

Tonights twitter therapy consisted of : cards ,expectations ,visions, shine.  The final thing that resonated with me was Stars cannot shine without darkness.  Drunken texting is bad but perhaps drunken blogging is worse.  Just in from a second night out on the trot and am still enjoying life despite being back at work.  No entirely drunk of course but more than a little tipsey.  I am such an adorable drunk, I love everyone and just want to tell them all how wonderful they are but in fact tonight was just lovely.  I have been trying to get away from my default of oh no I cant do that its not for me type of conditioning.  I am learning to relax and make small talk when I go out.  I am learning to no longer be defined by my roles and my career to be more than the sum of my parts.  I had forgotten what it was like to be able to feel part of the world, what it was like just to go out have fun, meet people and feel that I was good enough as I am.  But tonight I realised that I could be comfortable to be myself and not to worry too much about the expectations of others.  Music, art and generally frivolity without any pressure to be anyone other than me is just so wonderful and yes world I love you all.

approving of myself

And finally it happened, I connected with the emotions of my father issues, my need for his approval and my loss of direction when he died.  We all know about things intellectually but finding the emotional key to unlock the feelings can be hard.  I found it and it was amazing to work through it.  My need for approval stems entirely from my need to please my father and be a good girl.  It explains why I have had so much trouble in communicating with male authority figures , especially if they say good girl as my boss does alot.  I get very annoyed by that and now I know why.  When he dies I found it very difficult to decide what to do as I eventually relied on him to advise me on what to do, that was years after I gave up trying to argue with him.  The release was very intense and I realised I genuinely believed that he did not love me unless I did everything he wanted perfectly.  In fact now that I have connected with that it might in fact be true.  I see my brother doting on his daughter and how wonderful she is, how she is so capable and feisty.  I have been encouraging him to think about the impact his expectations will have on her and perhaps not to be so driven by how she tries so hard to please.  She reminds me very much of myself it is scary.

I wonder what life will be like from now on since I whole heartily approve of myself and am free from needing to please others.

little girl finds her voice

Yesterday was a day of letting go.  I listened to my little girl who was scared and hurt.  My inner child is 6.  She needed is not ready to share what is hurting her, but now she is starting to feel safe she is dropping strong hints.  I had a very emotional day yesterday as I decided to visit my fathers grave.  I asked someone to go with me and he did.  He understood that I needed to feel minded, so few people do.  They only see the part of me I am comfortable to show; my capable side, probably why I write this personal blog, to share my vulnerabilities publicly yet anonymously.

I could not find the grave as I had not been back since he was buried I knew I was very close to it and yet could not find it.  I felt totally abandoned.  I knew I was nearby as I was standing in the place I stood for the funeral.  I rang my mother but no answer, then one brother, then the other.  I described where I was and he said I was very close I was in fact right next to it but did not see it at all.  

Over the last week I have been connecting with what my father meant to me.  I tried to please him all my life and always sought his approval.  Yet he failed to keep us safe.   I realised that I was always slightly scared of him and not being good enough, I held him in awe and yet he failed to do his most important job keep his family safe.  I shall be carrying on my visits to graves with two more visits, my maternal grandfather and my uncle.  My uncle damaged our family and I think it is time for me to ask him why.

i thought that my dad kept me safe but he didnt, instead he instilled a sense of fear into me which has translated into anxiety.  It is ok to admit my failing, it is ok to admit my mistakes, it is ok to have flaws and most important it is ok not to have all the answers.

It was a big step for me to ask for emotional support yesterday and it was even more of a big step for me that I identified and asked someone who did exactly what I needed emotionally.  I cried and was left to cry, and he was there to give me a hanky when I needed it too.  If I ever share this blog with you I hope you understand just how thankful I am that you supported me when I needed it.  I wonder will I be able to identify the correct person to ask for help next time I need it, I hope so.

crawling back to reality

Over the last week I have just let go a little bit more than normal.  Now I feel the fear of the having to cling on tight to reality again.  Sometimes I can over think it all.  I know I can be in my head to much or in my body too much and then I wish I could find the balance, equilibrium.  When will I find it? Is it something that I have to work at or is it something that will just appear?  I have not achieved flow this last few days as i was trying to create a soft landing for going back to work but then it hit me, whose voice was i listening to mine or someone else and it was not mine.  I killed my voice again.  What was my voice saying to me before I killed it?  I think is I shall have to ask myself while I redefine reality for myself.  I would like my reality to be more fun, less anxiety and a whole heap less of jealousy and irritation.  I would like to be my authentic self - where ever she is hiding would she please show herself.

Ringing out my balalaika: The Hope Posy Garden

Ringing out my balalaika: The Hope Posy Garden:

'via Blog this'

Hope is a waking dream

I never connected with my catholic guilt until I was standing in a tiny room with a sacrilegious art installation which explored women's religious induced shame and our conditioning to serve.  So I tried something new twitter therapy, I took the word confession, searched it on twitter and then searched the next word that resonated with me until I eventually came to a point where twitter refused to allow me to tweet.  Evil evil twitter.   The results were interesting and my final word was natural instinct.  It was like a stream of consciousness flow but with other peoples thoughts.  Today's ones were God, angry, decision, mistakes, care, I care, I, has it going on, Stacy's mom has it going on, no idea, exotic, vacation, stalked, vigioursly, (i cant spell), vigirously, slaps knee, free, dream, hope: result : Hope is a waking dream.

I am on holidays from work at the moment hence the more thoughts and posts then normal.  I am also taking a break from counselling so that I experience things for myself and stop puzzling on where my counsellor is taking me.  I was becoming a little concerned that my need for approval was leading me on a journey to where she thought I should go so I freed myself until I explore this part of me that seems to be emerging,  but I digress.

The experience of being in a small space which mimicked a confession box albeit a tad unusual and the curtain going back really struck a chord with me.  I recalled being young and scared and my first panic attack at the age of 6 in the confession box.  My inner child work was most successful and I healed much of my stuff from all ages but lately, through my work on daddy issues, I found that the age which resonates with me the most is 6.  The age at which I had my first confession.  I recall the terror of the small dark enclosed space, the confusion of it all as I started to spin into the dizzying heights of pure anxiety.  I did everything I was told, I was obident I did all the normal sibling conflict stuff but essentially I believed I was a good girl and I should not be made to confess like the real bad people , the murderers and those that intentionally hurt others.  Even at a young age it was possible to see the hypocrisy of the Church and the political elite of the country, the cronyism and the pervading male dominated society.  I had been heavily influenced by the equal rights movement from an early age as the radio was always on in the house and civil rights and women's issues were the main things I connected with.



I confess that I no longer confess to almighty god and to all my brothers and sisters that I have sinned through my own fault and in my thoughts and in my word sin what I have done and what I have failed to do and I ask the blessed Mary ever virgin all the angles and saints to pray for me to the lord our god amen.  I do not want all that guilt and shame given to me by my religious upbringing.  I was a good little girl and I was right to reject their teachings of my badness.

So now I am off to take my trip to the dark confession boxes of my childhood.  I wonder if they are still there.  I know they are very much with me in my soul. Perhaps it is time to liberate it from the shadows of catholic guilt and see what life out side of the confines of the confession box is really like.  So I am  off to explore the dark places of my childhood starting with the confession box I fainted in, yes an extreme panic attack, and the church where I fainted, yes another extreme panic attack.  I should probably go to the video arcade I used to visit when I finally escaped from Mass to balance the bad stuff.  Or the place where my brother used to park for Mass at Christmas as he knew I could not go.  The day my mother told me she no longer expected me to go to Mass was very liberating for me.  Being obedient I still felt the need to pretend I was going until I was quite old.  Once all the Church scandals broke here she saw what I saw since age 6, an oppressive power hungry bunch of men with little regard for the true vision of the bible and what real Christianity was all about for me.  I am no longer a catholic, christian or religious.

So today I will live ponder my twitter therapy's result: Hope is a waking dream .

redefining my past , remaking my future

I finally had the moment that has been trying to get out since October 2008.  I can finally lay my father to rest.  I tried to visit his grave that day and failed miserably, circumstances got in the way.  I now know that we can subconsciously created our own circumstances and perhaps I did.  I got the swine flu the day after and it knocked me out.  I think it all formed part of my meltdown.  My body was trying to get me to stop and take stock of my life and I constantly ignored it.  thankfully I took note of the last episode or perhaps I would have got cancer or had a heart attack.

I finally realised that I was waiting for my father to give me permission, that i realied heavily on his judgement, that after spending years of arguing with him as a teenager I just gave up and did as he said, well mostly.  When he died I did not know how to trust my own judgement.  in fact I found out that he did try in his last years to support some of my crazy ideas when I actually needed him to tell me that they were crazy; he just wanted me to be happy.

My big recreational was that I can trust my judgement and he was just a human being with flaws like us all.  I can take him down from his pedestal and realise that I have a mind of my own and instincts of my own for very good reason.  I trust myself and I love myself unconditionally.

like water like oil

We often hear the expression;water will find its own level.  In the case of water it wants to be as low as possible and perfectly flat and level; totally in balance with all the other drops of water around it.  Certain things are water soluble and certain things are not.   Oil will mix with it but not dissolve.  It simply sits on the surface.  I noticed an oil slick on the water the other day.  It was beautiful the way the colours glistened and moved.  Just one small tiny drop of oil can spread over a considerable area and no matter what it will not dissolve in the water.  I have been pondering the realisation that there are people out there alot more like me than I thought.  Ages ago I read a book on motivation.  It says to find your own tribe; others like you.  I have been feeling a little like the ugly ducking for a while now- not fitting into my environment - being laughed at by the other ducks.  Currently I am on my journey to find others of my kind.  Like the tiny drop of oil I am spreading out seeking the edges of the other shiny sparkly drops.  We are not water but together we shine.

So today embrace your tribe or set off to find your true one.  Out there somewhere there are more like you.


Happy Thursday.

puzzle me not

I puzzle over things alot, I wonder why and wish I had the answers.  It helps to talk to like minded people who can help you on life's journey.  The older and wiser types Those that do know better.  I had the revelation that yes I might have a few odd ideas and yes I am a tad weird at times, however I am not alone in that.  It is nice to meet other like minded souls and see that there is a very rich and varied world out there.  I engaged in a world record attempt at the weekend.   It was pretty awesome , I love the totally absurd things like the most combine harvesters in one field or the most people dressed as nuns or smurfs kinda bizarre buts its all in a days fun.  Fun can mean anything and it can be sadly lacking in our lives.  I think I am currently mostly exploring the confining nature of conventional society at present and wonder why I felt the need to conform to other peoples ideals which are so very at odds with mine.  My current goal is to find my freedom and live like someone left the door open.  This weekend I did for a brief few hours do just that and the lingering feeling of joy has now been replaced by the question, what stops me from living a life of joy, self expression and as always its the same answer; its me.

I have crammed more into the last few weeks than  I would normally attempt.  So I will live by my primary rule respect and now I have a second one; fun.  I shall be engaging in all manner of entertaining and fun stuff and now I know what makes me tick I can just keep on doing more of the same.  So today go off and have a laugh, so something silly and remember to play by your own rules.  You have one life so live it for yourself.  

lessons from my dog; be true to your nature

I am currently reading cesar millans book on being a good pack leader.  MJ is pure breed boxer.  She was found my ED and we have her for quite a few months now.  She is fundamentally a wonderful creature and having her in my life was a real turning point.  His point so far is about keeping things in balance, allowing the dog to be a dog and to satisfy the dogs needs as an animal and a dog according to the breed.  Wow if only I could buy a book like that on being human.  Currently MJ is playing with a tennis ball as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, thus satisfying her prey drive.  Occasionally she brings to me to play with it too but she is happy just to be here with me, the pack leader, having a bit of playtime.  

I was not brought up with dogs and was in fact terrified of them.  I did not understand them at all until I met my X his dog was fairly cross and I eventually learned to master the dog.  MJ is totally different, she has a fundamentally sweet nature and is about 1% as intelligent as the old dog.  Still we are getting there with her.  

As always somewhere in this drivel is a point. The point is that we need to be true to ourselves and our nature.  I did quite a few personality tests to see if I could decipher who I was and discovered that I was the INFJ type, turns out I was trying to live against my basic personality type for years, same as if my prey driven hunter dog who needs hours of exercise was tied up in a small back garden all day long.  

I am glad my mind shut down and made me realise that we need to live as our true nature dictates in order for us to live happy and fulfilling lives.  Although I dont have a career deemed suitable for my personality type I have many outside interests in my life that are.  

 If I were a dog I think I would be Labrador although in my mind I am an afghan hound.

So as always be yourself 'cos if you cant be yourself who can you be!

letting the dog off the lead and other lessons

Yesterday was the best day of the summer.  We finally got a chance to put up the tent.  We made plans this year to go camping for my daughters significant birthday she will be twelve, but the summer has proved to be very very wet, without too many dry patches.  Yesterday I grabbed the opportunity to put the second hand tent we bought earlier in the summer.  Being the cautious type I decided it was best to have a trial run in the garden, luckily ED 's friends called so after I fed them they put up the tent.  It was a momentous day as it was the first time ever I used a BBQ.  I have always thought this was a mans job and it was one of the few things I left entirely to my ex-husband, so maybe 10 years without BBQing is enough for anyone.  As always I digress...
So continuing the the slow but gentle move outside my comfort zone.  I decided to run a little with the dog , she really needs a good run so I when no one was looking I started to jog, It was surprisingly easy.  It brought back memories of being younger and playing chase and the freedom of just being in my body and fit and young.  I then of course ate a big piece of flan when I came home , but there you go.  and to top off my day off edging up to the edge of the comfort zone, I let the dog off the lead.  Wow it was amazing, she did not run off.  I had imagined if I left her off the lead outside, she would just run and run and run and never come back, but I was wrong.  Our old dog did that at every opportunity he ran off.  He was my ex husbands dog and very old when we moved in together, and while we taught him lots of new tricks, staying in the garden was not one of them.  Dogguswoggus as she is affectionately known has a lovely kind and gentle nature.  She was happy to be off lead but it was just like she was in the garden with us, having a bit of a run around, a bit of a play, quite alot of jumping with the joy of being outside (mostly on me).  She did not even run straight into the sea as I had imagined.

I suppose I learned to trust myself and my dog a little more today.  I laerned that a slow genle meander to the edge of the comfort zone is ok and while others mught push me to exceed my limits I know where they are and it is just a question of moveing at my own pace to the next stage of life.

So today I will keep that in mind as I move further beyond the comfort zone. 

detach with joy

Detachment is something I really did not understand for ages and ages.  I read about it and I thought about what it means and it is only occasionally that I succeed.  the last few weeks have been challenging and now I am here.  I have finally succeeded in detaching from the influence of a few people that were dragging me down and I am ready now to let go and move on.  I am not responsible for how other people feel.  I will not take responsibility for other peoples feelings.  I am taking responsibility for me, my family and my life and today I just want a little of the old joy again.

I have become aware that I am lacking in flow at present and need to find something old or new to bring it back.  I the meantime I will put on my happy music and clean the house.  I might not find the joy I am looking for but I might find something else.

how will I know?

We all have relationships that do not serve us well.  I find it difficult to have relationships with people as I find it difficult to express my feeling of hurt or disappointment and shut them out when they hurt me, or I used to.  One of the good things about recovering is that I can express my feelings of hurt usually when it happens and I am learning to be assertive rather than aggressive or scared.  

So when do you know when to call it a day.  When do you know when to end a relationship as it does not serve you anymore.  That is my current dilemma.  I am not talking about a significant other here.  I agree with the whole don't believe everything you think school of thought as I know my thinking can be warped but what about when you feel that you do not want to do that anymore.  When you have moved on to a new stage and the other person has not.  When it is difficult to see the good in someone anymore.  How do you know.  Or maybe when you know how can you be sure it is the right thing.  Maybe simply detaching is enough.  I suppose I am just wondering if I am throwing the baby out with the bath water if I end this particular relationship.  

I thought I was imagining some of the behaviours, the little passive aggressive things that did not sit with me but that I was connecting with on a subconscious level.  I need to be more aware of those things I think and perhaps I need to raise them.  So last night after a particularly trying time I light my sage stick and started to smudge the house.  Gradually I became aware of where I was smudging and it dawned on me what I needed most of all was to tune into the feelings that I was feeling.  Smudging is just another way of manifesting and bringing out our true feelings.  So then I tried some abstract scribbling to music, another things that works for me.  When I woke up today I felt refreshed and I was ready to listen to myself.  I know what I want to do but I am not the only person involved.  It would be nice if we could move forwards to a better understanding of ourselves and each other but all I hear is that the other person wants things to go back to how things were. It is never possible to go back.  I took my leap again and I let go early this week.  I think it is time to trust myself that I know the right thing to do.  I suppose all I am really looking for is an endorsement of what I already have decided.  It is time to move on for us all.  The real question is are we moving on together or apart?

This week has been very strange for me.  I have been feeling very very anxious in the morning and have needed to make a serious effort to get up and get going.  I am very proud of myself for doing that.  I feel empowered.  When the balance shifts in any relationship there can be a bit of an adjustment time.  I have been thinking alot about the balance in my relationships and how as as the power dynamic shifts how the other person reacts.  I think it is only those people that are OK in themselves can readjust to the new dynamic and work towards restoring balance.  

I am OK with who I am, I trust my judgement and I know that right now I am in as good a place as I can be.
So what now?  Where to next? I cant answer that question right now but I do know that one place I am not going is backwards.  I suppose the real question I need to ask is: I am moving forward are you coming with me?


So today take that leap of faith and trust yourself .  You know you have the answer to all your questions somewhere within you.  The thing is you just need to ask yourself the right questions.

let out the inner scardey cat

I took another leap outside my comfort zone today.  I attended a support group for people suffering from depression and anxiety. I put on my confident persona and just went there after weeks of thinking about it.  It must have worked because the lady who was running the group did not think I was going in and almost locked me out of the room as I was she did not think I was going to attend that group.  It just goes to show how well we can hide our terror with practice.  That awful thing called generalised anxiety disorder has returned recently. I felt the first stings of panic about 6 weeks ago and thought that it is about time I learn to free myself from it.  Anxiety is totally crippling for me.  I lie in bed and cant relax enough to go to sleep, or wake up and cant relax enough to get out of bed, completely frozen by the fear of the what ifs.  Today I realised that it is not being able to fulfill other peoples expectations that causes me the greatest anxiety.  So I hope that I can remember that its all about me and when that awful tingly feeling start to creep up my arms and into my soul. Today I just wanted to pull the covers up over my head and sleep forever.  I blame the weather and the solar flares (as usual).  I did eventually manage to get up and get going but it took effort and courage.  So today I congratulate myself for taking further steps into the discomfort zone.  Every day I need to work at my wellness, every day I need to make the effort.  It was worth it today to get up and free myself from the clutches of anxiety.   It took three hours.  Facing up to things is a very important step in recovering from depression and anxiety and today was a day for facing up to loads of things hence the anxiety.  The thing is though that today I cut myself loads and loads of slack.  I was just not able to do any better than I did today.  It was my total level best.  And as I always say all I can do is my best.  Life can be hard but sometimes I make it harder than it really is by avoidance and catastrophising.  I might be living in the discomfort zone right now but I am at least paving the way towards a future without anxiety.  Time to let the inner scaredy cat out in the open.  

If only we changed colour when we were anxious, like those mood rings we had as kids, people could tell just how petrified I am sometimes.  I had forgotten just how horrible it was.  So tomorrow I plan to say it out.  I am anxious and this is scaring me.  It might even free me to be brave.  Hope you like today song I used to sing it with my eldest when she was sacred, and sometimes I still sing it for myself.   


So today do your best, embrace your inner scardey cat, maybe all it needs is a hug. 


Happy Wednesday :-)

other people

I am having alot of realisations around other peoples judgement of me and my family.  I have always loved the expression - let he who is without sin cast the first stone.  I am open about the difficulties we have gone through.  I am divorced, it was a messy and difficult marriage and it is still a difficult relationship for us all, but i work at it.  I have a daughter who needs regular hospital treatment, it is something I may have passed onto her and this has been difficult to overcome.  I have to remind myself that it was passed onto me too only it did not manifest itself.  I have the guilt of that.  I have another daughter who had a wild patch, I dealt with that too, she is good now.  It was hard work but I took the advise I got and got on with it.  I had a nervous breakdown, it all got too much for me, but I dealt with that too.  I have my faults I am a little chaotic, I am a little over enthusiastic, it is hard for me to commit to things as I  never know what my energy levels are going to be, I take on too much sometimes.  All those are balanced by the good things, I am loyal, hard working, and kind.  I suppose I am just a little tired and fed up of being judged by others.  Their lives are not so perfect either.  They just hide it better.  Their guilt is not obvious to them, instead it manifests as physical ailments.  They rely on religion or some other addiction to get them through their lives.  And yet they judge me.  I suppose what I am feeling is anger and quite a bit of righteous indignation.  It is amazing how intense the sensation of being judged is for me right now.  I was never as aware of it as I am right now.  I just want to go off and point out to them their faults when they point out mine.  So why dont I.  Maybe it would be fun for one day to point out the beam in their eyes when they point out the splinter in mine. Instead I will take this as an opportunity to reinforce my ability to communicate and stay with myself.   Time to open up my awareness of why I allow people to express their negative judgments of me.  

So I am off to release some of my anger on the house work.  Cleaning the bathroom is always a good place to start. 

leaping off the hamster wheel

I thought that I had finished with blogging and would never write another post.  Recently I have been running on the great big hamster while of life, walk the dog, work, home, kids, listening to all the complaints of the day , walk the dog, dinner, bed.  And then it stopped.  I went to a spa hotel for a few days.  I did not know what to do with myself for the first few hours.  And then I realised I dont take the time to stop and relax at all anymore.   I had been having the fuzzy feeling of confusion and did not realise it meant that I needed to take some time to relax and let my mind settle.  

I could feel the angst of others too clearly.  I forgot to feel my own feelings.  I could feel the discomfort of the confusion. I knew things were wrong but could not figure out what it was.  So finally a chance conversation with a friend gave me an insight into the problem.  We meet for dinner or lunch a few times a year and it is amazing how the insight of an outsider can give clarity.  This clarity is something I used to get from counselling and it is now a rarity.  

And so this last week I look a giant leap off my hamster wheel.  I ran freely through the meadows of freedom like and newly free hamster would.  I have been feeling judged by others and it has made me retreat onto the confining hamster wheel.  It is great to be free again.  Why oh why do I trap myself so much??  I had a lengthy conversation with someone close to the family last week.  I had not realised how much her judgement of us was affecting me.  So as any good hippie would do I went out and bought a sage stick to smudge the house! I still haven't smudged the house but at least I have cleared out the limiting expectations of others from my head.  I need to stick with my own views of what we need and forget about trying to conform to the expectations of others.  It is, as always, my downfall.  

So today I am off to enjoy my freedom and remember to live my life for me.  

As we say here feck the begrudgers.

following on from yesterdays post

The weather here is really changeable and I take the opportunity to get out and walk the dog in any sunshine we get.  As I walked along the beach the wind was blowing a fresh breeze my hair was blowing in the wind I could feel the breeze on my arms and felt glad to be alive.  Yesterdays song brought loads upon loads of memories back for me about my childhood and I remembered how happy I was for the large part.  A few things happened in our family to make it a less than happy one, my great aunt became ill and needed around the clock care and I forgot all those lovely happy memories.  I have to admit I am still crying at the realisation.  I just want to go back and give that little girl a hug for being so brave.  What I needed then was someone to explain to me in words I could understand that it was her time to go.  After that things were so different I never grieved and when the next bad thing happended I had no resilience.  It was not until years later that I found out about some of the bad stuff that had been happening to one of my siblings.  It coloured my view of my happy childhood.  Survivor guilt is something often  I often hear about and I wish I had understood more about that and learned to forgive myself sooner.    


Now i am realiseing the impact my divorce had on the kids, how my illness must have impacted on them.  How it is so hard to make sense of the world as an adult and probably even more so as a child.  It is my job to help my children learn about life and the world and walk beside them metaphorically holding their hands until they can fly off to build their own , self actualised , lives.  Roots and wings are the key to a childs happiness and mine were clipped too young.  

As I rounded the corner by the cove and watched the seagulls, egrets, and sparrows all soaring on the updraft I look a quick look around and when I was sure no one was watching I put out my arms and imagined what it would be like to soar.  It was awesome.




So today spread you wings a learn how to take that leap of faith that things will always improve, and you know what they just might.


Happy Friday to you all.  I will be taking many more leaps of faith and trusting that there will be a bed of feathers out there to catch me as I land.

be happy: live your life for yourself

When I used to feel at my lowest one of the many things I used to think about was what a disappointment it would be for my younger self to see me like this.  As a child I had great expectations and during my thirties I lost them.  Thankfully I am back to being myself and now I would be very proud to have a visit from my young self.  

The lesson I have learned this week is that the only obstacle to my happiness is me and my failure to give myself permission.  I have made some amazing steps forward in the last three weeks.  In order for this not to be a one off event I need to learn from what I did to create this success.  

I think the main thing is to be open about my limitations and express my feeling of hurt and anger in an assertive when when they did occur. In the past I would have clammed up and been upset for days if someone said boo to me but now I realise that what someone says can be mis-intererated so easily and often I do not understand what they really mean.  

I now notice others who are struggling with self expression in the same way I did and those that lack the self awareness of their behavior.  If I have improved so much in the last year I can only wonder where my life will go now.  I am giving myself the freedom to be me exactly as I am.  I am a wonderful person with many great qualities and I am glad to be me.  Self praise is no praise is a limiting belief that I now reject.  I have every reason to be proud of my achievements and I congratulate myself on the work I have done to recover my memory, my abilities, and my sanity.  At the end of the day we all create our own lives and we are the ones responsible for how our life turns out.  I have been on a real roller coaster of emotions as the world is swinging back towards an environmental where morals are returning and honesty is again being valued.  I am enjoying my life for the first time in many years and I am glad to be me.  

So today go off and congratulate yourself on all your achievements big and small.  Endorse the effort and not the outcome as they say in Recovery.  You are a wonderful human being and you deserve to be happy :-)

Happy Thursday 

demented mammy seeks escape route

When I  am feeling a bit stuck I look at Glassers needs.  If I cannot name one of them then thats the one I am not meeting at that time.  Power, fun, and  love I remembered but I had to give in a google it today after trying to recall the other one.  Freedom is the fourth , after our basic needs for survival are met it is those 4 that we need.

I often refer to escaping from my job or my children.  I like to go off for a few days and just get away from it all.  This weekend I did that. I had a whole day off.  A full 24 hours where I only had to please myself.  It was very liberating.  I was free for a little while.  I think my episode was my escape route to freedom.  At the start I always felt like I was at the bottom of a well and all I could see was grey and black;black walls grey sky gradually as I climbed out I could see green grass and blue skies.  I think I need to work on way of dealing with my responsibilities and not feeling the need to dig an escape route.  Maybe I could realise that I am not trapped I am free to do as I please at any  stage it is only me that is standing in my own way.  Maybe instead of digging that tunnel I could just open the door and walk out.

So today think about how you trap yourself and fail to give yourself permission to just be free.  

beware the hippos of discontent

Sometimes I have really shitty days.  The days when people are unkind, the days when my teenage daughter makes me responsible for her feelings, the days when the dog just wont stop barking.  Those are the days when I just want to run away.   The days when I get home from work and just want someone else to take the responsibility.  Sometimes it gets wearing for me to have to shoulder all the burden of child rearing. 

So now I just need to remind myself to put down the burden and ask myself why I took it up again.  I am forgetting to enjoy life and focusing on the bad not the good.  Well done me for remembering not to carry that bag of other peoples expectations and issues.  I am off out today to enjoy my life and if other people want to wallow in their misery let them.  I just need to remember to run away before they grab me and drag me down to their level of misery.  

So today stay away from those hippos and remember even if they wallow you dont have to .

 

lions and tigers and bears

Outside my comfort zone I thought that it would be a scary place.  Today I went so far outside it and found that it was not.  There were no lions and tigers and bears.  I am a great believer in trying everything you can to overcome a problem and researched motivation quite a bit to see why I lacked it.  Fear is one of the many obstacles  to success.  I read a book which likened it to the scene in the wizard of oz where they go through the forest singing lions and tiers and bears oh my.

We create the fear in our own minds and stay in our comfort zone just to feel safe.  Feeling safe does not mean we are safe and it also means that we can stay stuck and unhappy.  I organised an event to promote happiness and today it was held.  I must admit that it was so far outside my comfort zone that it scared me to do it.  Being nervous while doing something is quite a lot different to being scared of the imaginary things that we create in our heads.  How many times have you dreaded something or imagined the outcome only to find out it simply did not turn out the way you imagined. I read a wonderful saying recently:

Dont believe everything you think. 

and it is so true.  We can convince ourselves that our fears are really justified and this keeps us from acting and doing the things that will make us happier and more fulfilled.  I know I did that for a long time.  I looked at other people with envy and thought well its ok for them they are clever or they are more confident or even thats just not for the likes of me.  As always my limiting beliefs held me back.  I realised  that the difference between me and people who do things is simply that ; they do things.  I can have fun too if I allow myself to.  I can have money too if I allow myself to, I can be happy too if I allow myself to.  I keep forgetting to give myself the permission to do all the things I want to.  I almost fell back to my bad old ways again during the last few weeks of stress.  I am so glad I took the action for happiness pledge last year 

I will try to create more happiness and less unhappiness in the world around me.  

It is simple, almost simplistic but it is one of the myriad of things that put me back in touch with the pleasure of being alive.

So today remember that 50% of your happiness is genetic, 10% of your happiness is down to your circumstances and you create the remaining 40% yourself.  What are you going to do for yourself today to give yourself that whole 40% ????? Me I am going to make friends with my lions and tigers and bears, maybe they are not as sacry as I thought.  

Happy Tuesday 

life long learning

I forgot to put some of things I learned into practice for the last few weeks.  EFT frees me of the cloudy feeling, walking de-stresses me, resting revives me, eating the right food makes me feel better.  Having fun refreshes me.  Making plans inspires me and doing positive things motivates me.  Honest communication frees me of guilt and pent up rage.  Expressing my feeling allows me to be myself.  Being myself helps me feel free.  Freedom makes me happy.

Its nice to be back to myself again after the last few stressful weeks. Everything passes with time.  As the old saying goes, if you are going through hell just keep going.

So today do something nice for yourself, something that might take effort but will benefit you in the long run.

Happy Tuesday!

regression not depression

Over the last few days I have been feeling those familiar feelings of wanting to burrow into the ground and hide there until the bad stuff is over.  Today I did just that.  I was at home looking from work today as one of my children was sick.  I had a bad experience a few years ago which was one of the triggers of my episode.  My eldest daughter was very sick and I missed alot of work because of it.  I was exhausted trying to juggle work and home life and I could not satisfy either my family or my boss.  He shouted at me one day when i rang in to say that I could not go to work and I sat down and cried, organised a baby sitter , left my very upset child and went to work for the allegedly essential meeting.  It was one of the stupidest things I ever did.  The meeting was fairly pointless, it was not essential that I was there as I could not contribute to it at all.  When I arrived to the meeting he barked a series of questions at me and I started to cry.  that was the beginning of the end.  When I realise on Sunday morning that I would have to ring in to say I would be missing work again the feelings and memories of those few day resurfaced.  I remember the jumble of confusion that overtook me, the wondering of how would I cope, what would happen if I lost my job. I tried to put it out of my mind that my daughters illness was back.  but as it became apparent that it was my mind started to unravel.  Two thoughts kept running around in my head, how will I be able to work and mind her at the same time, where would the money come from.  I became exhausted and depressed.  

So the day has dawned again, I had to take quite a bit of time off over the last few months.  the difference is that now I understand that my boss has a responsibility to manage the work flow and if I cannot work then it is for him to organise the consequences.  If I have to give up work then I will manage.  I am having an average response to a stressful situation.  Today I did burrow into my lovely warm bed and cuddly blanket but I got up and face the day.  I rely on the wonderful tool of recovery to bring me out of the safety of my bed and back to the real world to face up to the things that need to be done.  I thought that I would share them here.  They might seem like cliches but they work for me.  

Sample Recovery International Tools

• Treat mental health as a business and not as a game.
• Humor is our best friend, temper is our worst enemy.
• If you can't change a situation, you can change your attitude towards it.
• Be self-led, not symptom-led.
• Nervous symptoms and sensations are distressing but not dangerous.
• Temper is, among other things, blindness to the other side of the story.
• Comfort is a want, not a need.
• There is no right or wrong in the trivialities of every day life.
• Calm begets calm, temper begets temper.
• Don't take our own dear selves too seriously.
• Feelings should be expressed and temper suppressed.
• Helplessness is not hopelessness.
• Some people have a passion for self-distrust.
• Temper maintains and intensifies symptoms.
• Do things in part acts.
• Endorse yourself for the effort, not only for the performance.
• Have the courage to make a mistake.
• Feelings are not facts.
• Do the things you fear and hate to do.
• Fear is a belief—beliefs can be changed.
• Every act of self-control leads to a sense of self-respect.

My favourite one is :command the muscles, it is exactly that.  sometimes we need to take control of our bodies and move.  I had to command my legs to get out of bed earlier, my hands to fold the washing.  I bore the discomfort of getting up and getting my daughter ready for her exams when all I wanted to do was to stay in bed frozen in fear.  

I might have regressed a little today but in doing so I realised how far I had come in a year.  I might get shouted at again, but this time at least I am pleasing at least one person in my choices; me.  

So today remember the most important person in your life is you and you are the person whose responsibility it is to keep yourself happy, to look after yourself and live your life in a way that keeps you well.  I nearly forgot that today.  

its never too late to live your dreams

As a teenager I had a vision of my life.  I would be living on an island in the Mediterranean , have a handsome boyfriend, a few goats, a few children; all girls and be an artist of crafts person of some kind.   Some of my vision came true I live near the sea, have children and some animals but not goats, I crochet like a maniac but don't make my living from arts or crafts.  On a fine day I could well be on a Mediterranean island as it is just so beautiful here.

My lovely dog at the beach down the road.  

The cove, 10 minutes walk away

Today I realised that it is only when we loose sight of our visions, when we put aside our dreams that the fun and colour drain out of life.  Today I got a new bike.  My first working bike in 17 years.  I sat on it trying to get my balance and it is not as easy as riding a bike i can tell you. Io am petrified about going out in traffic.  As I sat in the garden on the bike I remembered another one of my dreams wen I was 18, to cycle around the Camargue.  I am blessed that I am still reasonably fit for my age although very overweight.  I can still realise my dream before it gets too late and I am longer physically able.

So I will continue to dream, about cycling past white horses on a misty morning, about having my own exhibition (a dream I gave up at the same time I gave up cycling).  I will continue to dream that one day I will meet someone lovely and get married again.  that  I will win the lottery. I dream of my cottage by the beach, or my children being happy, of their father being a dream father.  some dreams might become reality , some not.  

Right now its bed time so I am off to dream my sweet dreams of cycling past white horses on a misty morning in the Camargue.