Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Full moon craziness

It is quarter past four and I am wide awake.  That can only mean one thing - full moon. One of the things I have come to realise is I sometimes suffer from the full moon crazies. It is not particularly unpleasant however it is a little disconcerting at times. I  am snuggled up in bed with the dog who is snoring like a herd of pigs, oblivious to my desire to kick her out of bed. I have long since stopped trying to reclaim my bed. In 3 hours it will be exactly 16 years since eldest daughter was born.  I sometimes forget the rush of love I felt when she was born and the instinct of wanting to protect  her. Sometimes I feel I made so many mistakes in my life and I should have done do many things differently, one of those things is how I raised my children. As a child I felt very unloved by my parents so I think I tried to give my children what I lacked instead of giving them what they needed. I recently realised the one thing I really lacked was the ability to express how I felt in a way my parents could understand.  As an adult I realise that children interpret the would in a very different way and it is our job to guide the child. Recently I have come up the realisation that the person I need to re- parent is myself. The realisation that I need to be kinder to myself and learn self compassion is profound. I do not need to be do critical. It serves no purpose. I need to be entirely less critical of everything, it is something that is holding me back. My younger daughter did wonderful things today and I failed to appreciate them, I criticised, the dog just wants a big fuss when I come home and yet I feel out upon, I criticise, my eldest had worked hard to behave well and yet I criticise.  I think it's time for me to try a whole day without criticism constructive or otherwise. I love the concept of feedback. But it is just another word for criticism, am thinking its time for some twitter stream of consciousness therapy..
So it is 16 years since the biggest life changing event I had. The main thing I have learned is that no matter how hard we try as parents, without communication we can never fully understand our child's needs. My next lesson in life is to learn to listen. I have learned to speak, I have found my voice , now it is time to learn to use my ears and hear what it is others have to say. Two ears and one mouth to be used in that proportion.
Happy Wednesday and I hope that in 16 years time I will be sound asleep free from the full moon crazies and a hiccuping dog.   

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