Sunday, 15 July 2012

other people

I am having alot of realisations around other peoples judgement of me and my family.  I have always loved the expression - let he who is without sin cast the first stone.  I am open about the difficulties we have gone through.  I am divorced, it was a messy and difficult marriage and it is still a difficult relationship for us all, but i work at it.  I have a daughter who needs regular hospital treatment, it is something I may have passed onto her and this has been difficult to overcome.  I have to remind myself that it was passed onto me too only it did not manifest itself.  I have the guilt of that.  I have another daughter who had a wild patch, I dealt with that too, she is good now.  It was hard work but I took the advise I got and got on with it.  I had a nervous breakdown, it all got too much for me, but I dealt with that too.  I have my faults I am a little chaotic, I am a little over enthusiastic, it is hard for me to commit to things as I  never know what my energy levels are going to be, I take on too much sometimes.  All those are balanced by the good things, I am loyal, hard working, and kind.  I suppose I am just a little tired and fed up of being judged by others.  Their lives are not so perfect either.  They just hide it better.  Their guilt is not obvious to them, instead it manifests as physical ailments.  They rely on religion or some other addiction to get them through their lives.  And yet they judge me.  I suppose what I am feeling is anger and quite a bit of righteous indignation.  It is amazing how intense the sensation of being judged is for me right now.  I was never as aware of it as I am right now.  I just want to go off and point out to them their faults when they point out mine.  So why dont I.  Maybe it would be fun for one day to point out the beam in their eyes when they point out the splinter in mine. Instead I will take this as an opportunity to reinforce my ability to communicate and stay with myself.   Time to open up my awareness of why I allow people to express their negative judgments of me.  

So I am off to release some of my anger on the house work.  Cleaning the bathroom is always a good place to start. 

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