Sunday, 27 January 2013

It's so simple

They say the simple explanations are the best, and they, whoever they are, are usually right. Yesterday I learned that the simple explanation for feeling exhausted was exhaustion, the explanation for feeling tired was tiredness and yes you guessed it the simple explanation for feeling stressed was stress. I visited the homeopath yesterday mostly because I recommended her to everyone who mentioned an ailment to me. I realised long ago when I say to people you should do that I am really directing the advice to myself. So I unwound and realised that I have not been pacing myself very well, I have given in to the flattery of being told how capable I am and have taken on too much again.   I did make the space for some me time today and realised that I need a two day break doing nothing other than lazing in bed reading , swimming and eating.  I was thinking how I cannot afford that when I realised that I live in a town with 3 swimming pools to choose from all within cycling or walking distance, a town with two book shops plus numerous second hand ones, a town within driving range of Michelin star restaurants . I don't have to go very far to get the simple pleasures in life. I think it is the fact that I spend time on the necessary stuff like washing cooking cleaning that makes it difficult for me to take  a real rest at weekends. I am in need of a recharge. Simple explanation is that I have not allowed myself to treat myself well. I realised that I feel like everyone wants something from me and I don't want to give anymore. So how to reframe this? I need to actively choose what I do. I will turn off those voices I hear telling me I should and I must and why don't you...... I have worked hard to get myself back on track. I have changed my attitude, learned tools to help myself and I think I did well. I am proud of myself. I endorse myself for my efforts. Everything around me is changing very rapidly. I love change I choose but transitions and uncertainty  challenge me. Time to do the basics that keep me well , taping, blogging, aromatherapy, sleep , vegetable soup, and hugging my family and playing with the dog. Above all I need to practise self compassion and forgive myself my short comings. When I am ready to be fully present again I will be. A little hibernation is good for the soul. No idea what the point of today's post is but I suppose not everything needs a meaning. Happy Sunday sweet dreams. Give yourself a big hug and tell yourself just how much you love you . X x x x all you lovely creatures in blogger land

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Give your inner child a cuddle

Sometimes I forget to be kind to myself, I forget how to show myself I care. This week my hopes and expectations were dashed and I was disappointed when that happened.  I have Ben feeling unsettled and realised that I had a lot of pent up pentupness in need of release.  I have felt like going  for a swim for about a week but denied myself that, today it was go for a swim or shoot the kids so being the good mother that I am I went for a swim and sauna. Instinctively we all know what we need to make ourselves feel better. My inner child is 6 and after my swim she was very much better. She cannot understand why the grown ups fight and sometimes laugh at her so she just stays quiet and tried to make herself invisible, her favourite place is under the water where they cannot find her. It is quiet and warm and she is free from everything. One day she will move on and maybe grow up a little more. She is happy tonight and is cuddled up with me all happy . It is months now since she needed to hide under the desk.  I did quite a lot of work on my inner child and when she appears to me I work to sooth her.
I suppose such visualisations help me label my feelings and help me connect with what it is keeps me in the child's place.  I forgot to listen to my inner child for so long. Time to let her have a voice I think. Good night everyone in blogger land. Happy Thursday . 

Wednesday, 23 January 2013


I woke up and remembered that what we dislike in others is a reflection of the traits we dislike in others. Well now I have had a slap in the face and a reminder of the things I have to work on. Listening. I need to listen to what others have to say and to myself. It is easy to get caught up in our own thoughts and only half hear. I need to listen to others and to myself. 

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

No drama

I have not written for a while as I had nothing to write about but today was as strange a day as I have had in a while. I attend a support group now and I find it a great help Ho know I am not alone in my suffering. Tonight I had the most unbelievable trigger and cried at the meeting. It is easy to think that once we are well we will stay well but that is not the case . It is similarly the case that when we are ill we will not stay ill forever. Recently I have started to feel my own value and realise my self worth but today I had a setback . I was pulled back to a place I no longer wish to be. Someone took out their bad temper on me at work and I was incredibly upset. Until recently I would have been upset for a long time and bottled it up instead I spoke out and used my tools , tapping is a great release for me. But it reminded me of what anxiety feels like , how the waves of heat rush over me, I feel dizzy , I loose rational thought, I get stuck in that emotion all day or even for days . It was a painful reminder of how I ended up in the bad place I got to before my episode. At tonight's meeting there were more reminders of my mistakes, my bad experiences and my faulty thinking in the past . It is hard for me to  step out of my family role of the one who is always at fault. It is a role I now reject . A role I no longer wish to play. I have that foggy feeling again that I will learn something new or have a new revelation soon. I think it might be that I sometimes shit just happens for no fecking reason at it . It just does. To Iight there are no answers  just a sense that there are a lot of mean people in the world that I need to avoid. I might be less of a Pollyanna now than I was yesterday but at least I know when I slip backwards there are a whole load of people ready to reach out and help me. Best of all I know how to accept help and can seperate out the genuine offers from the bogus. I suppose perhaps i am learning that it is easy to fall down but not ok to stay there . I want a calm life free of drama and that is what I shall create.