Beyond the veil

I have never connected with the feelings I am currently experiencing. I woke up Tuesday not knowing what had been going on for the last few months. I could not remember what I had to do , what job I did, what day it was or to a lesser extent who I was. It was like was in the middle of a dream.  I was experiencing a slight wave of disassociation and just could not push myself to do all that was needed. My mind said no more you need to take some time to ground yourself. I have been fighting this for weeks and in fact months. Just keeping going to the next milestone but as I passed the one I was fully focused on I just could not find the will to get up to go to the next. I had forgotten why I bothered. Today it was more of the same, the sense of a veil being lifted and the horror of all the foolish decisions of my life unveiled before me. We all made foolish decisions that is average. The thing is without that time machine we can't go back and undo them. It's about the lessons learned from them. So today instead of beating myself up about all the foolish ones I shall do a learning log of the experience I gained from them, an audit if my decisions good and bad. In the spirit of self compassion I will take a look at what it is I can take from my life so far and improve on. I might not have a cent to pay the rent but were gonna make it .... As the song goes. I have found a great new way of relieving stress- chopping wood :-) soon I will have sawed up all the broken furniture I was storing in the garage to take to the dump, the old doors, I shall have to take myself off to the woods and collect stuff to saw up or even raid skips. Just doing the simple basics can be just as good as any theraphy . I wonder what made me neglect myself for so long. I deserve to be cared for and I deserve to care for myself . So today I am cleaning the house starting in my own room. I hope that when I wake up tomorrow the order I have given myself today will make it easy for me to face all the things I can see again and know I need to deal with. Happy Wednesday