approving of myself

And finally it happened, I connected with the emotions of my father issues, my need for his approval and my loss of direction when he died.  We all know about things intellectually but finding the emotional key to unlock the feelings can be hard.  I found it and it was amazing to work through it.  My need for approval stems entirely from my need to please my father and be a good girl.  It explains why I have had so much trouble in communicating with male authority figures , especially if they say good girl as my boss does alot.  I get very annoyed by that and now I know why.  When he dies I found it very difficult to decide what to do as I eventually relied on him to advise me on what to do, that was years after I gave up trying to argue with him.  The release was very intense and I realised I genuinely believed that he did not love me unless I did everything he wanted perfectly.  In fact now that I have connected with that it might in fact be true.  I see my brother doting on his daughter and how wonderful she is, how she is so capable and feisty.  I have been encouraging him to think about the impact his expectations will have on her and perhaps not to be so driven by how she tries so hard to please.  She reminds me very much of myself it is scary.

I wonder what life will be like from now on since I whole heartily approve of myself and am free from needing to please others.