We all have relationships that do not serve us well. I find it difficult to have relationships with people as I find it difficult to express my feeling of hurt or disappointment and shut them out when they hurt me, or I used to. One of the good things about recovering is that I can express my feelings of hurt usually when it happens and I am learning to be assertive rather than aggressive or scared.
So when do you know when to call it a day. When do you know when to end a relationship as it does not serve you anymore. That is my current dilemma. I am not talking about a significant other here. I agree with the whole don't believe everything you think school of thought as I know my thinking can be warped but what about when you feel that you do not want to do that anymore. When you have moved on to a new stage and the other person has not. When it is difficult to see the good in someone anymore. How do you know. Or maybe when you know how can you be sure it is the right thing. Maybe simply detaching is enough. I suppose I am just wondering if I am throwing the baby out with the bath water if I end this particular relationship.
I thought I was imagining some of the behaviours, the little passive aggressive things that did not sit with me but that I was connecting with on a subconscious level. I need to be more aware of those things I think and perhaps I need to raise them. So last night after a particularly trying time I light my sage stick and started to smudge the house. Gradually I became aware of where I was smudging and it dawned on me what I needed most of all was to tune into the feelings that I was feeling. Smudging is just another way of manifesting and bringing out our true feelings. So then I tried some abstract scribbling to music, another things that works for me. When I woke up today I felt refreshed and I was ready to listen to myself. I know what I want to do but I am not the only person involved. It would be nice if we could move forwards to a better understanding of ourselves and each other but all I hear is that the other person wants things to go back to how things were. It is never possible to go back. I took my leap again and I let go early this week. I think it is time to trust myself that I know the right thing to do. I suppose all I am really looking for is an endorsement of what I already have decided. It is time to move on for us all. The real question is are we moving on together or apart?
This week has been very strange for me. I have been feeling very very anxious in the morning and have needed to make a serious effort to get up and get going. I am very proud of myself for doing that. I feel empowered. When the balance shifts in any relationship there can be a bit of an adjustment time. I have been thinking alot about the balance in my relationships and how as as the power dynamic shifts how the other person reacts. I think it is only those people that are OK in themselves can readjust to the new dynamic and work towards restoring balance.
I am OK with who I am, I trust my judgement and I know that right now I am in as good a place as I can be.
So what now? Where to next? I cant answer that question right now but I do know that one place I am not going is backwards. I suppose the real question I need to ask is: I am moving forward are you coming with me?
So today take that leap of faith and trust yourself . You know you have the answer to all your questions somewhere within you. The thing is you just need to ask yourself the right questions.