Tuesday, 17 July 2012

let out the inner scardey cat

I took another leap outside my comfort zone today.  I attended a support group for people suffering from depression and anxiety. I put on my confident persona and just went there after weeks of thinking about it.  It must have worked because the lady who was running the group did not think I was going in and almost locked me out of the room as I was she did not think I was going to attend that group.  It just goes to show how well we can hide our terror with practice.  That awful thing called generalised anxiety disorder has returned recently. I felt the first stings of panic about 6 weeks ago and thought that it is about time I learn to free myself from it.  Anxiety is totally crippling for me.  I lie in bed and cant relax enough to go to sleep, or wake up and cant relax enough to get out of bed, completely frozen by the fear of the what ifs.  Today I realised that it is not being able to fulfill other peoples expectations that causes me the greatest anxiety.  So I hope that I can remember that its all about me and when that awful tingly feeling start to creep up my arms and into my soul. Today I just wanted to pull the covers up over my head and sleep forever.  I blame the weather and the solar flares (as usual).  I did eventually manage to get up and get going but it took effort and courage.  So today I congratulate myself for taking further steps into the discomfort zone.  Every day I need to work at my wellness, every day I need to make the effort.  It was worth it today to get up and free myself from the clutches of anxiety.   It took three hours.  Facing up to things is a very important step in recovering from depression and anxiety and today was a day for facing up to loads of things hence the anxiety.  The thing is though that today I cut myself loads and loads of slack.  I was just not able to do any better than I did today.  It was my total level best.  And as I always say all I can do is my best.  Life can be hard but sometimes I make it harder than it really is by avoidance and catastrophising.  I might be living in the discomfort zone right now but I am at least paving the way towards a future without anxiety.  Time to let the inner scaredy cat out in the open.  

If only we changed colour when we were anxious, like those mood rings we had as kids, people could tell just how petrified I am sometimes.  I had forgotten just how horrible it was.  So tomorrow I plan to say it out.  I am anxious and this is scaring me.  It might even free me to be brave.  Hope you like today song I used to sing it with my eldest when she was sacred, and sometimes I still sing it for myself.   

So today do your best, embrace your inner scardey cat, maybe all it needs is a hug. 

Happy Wednesday :-)

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