redefining my past , remaking my future

I finally had the moment that has been trying to get out since October 2008.  I can finally lay my father to rest.  I tried to visit his grave that day and failed miserably, circumstances got in the way.  I now know that we can subconsciously created our own circumstances and perhaps I did.  I got the swine flu the day after and it knocked me out.  I think it all formed part of my meltdown.  My body was trying to get me to stop and take stock of my life and I constantly ignored it.  thankfully I took note of the last episode or perhaps I would have got cancer or had a heart attack.

I finally realised that I was waiting for my father to give me permission, that i realied heavily on his judgement, that after spending years of arguing with him as a teenager I just gave up and did as he said, well mostly.  When he died I did not know how to trust my own judgement.  in fact I found out that he did try in his last years to support some of my crazy ideas when I actually needed him to tell me that they were crazy; he just wanted me to be happy.

My big recreational was that I can trust my judgement and he was just a human being with flaws like us all.  I can take him down from his pedestal and realise that I have a mind of my own and instincts of my own for very good reason.  I trust myself and I love myself unconditionally.