regression not depression

Over the last few days I have been feeling those familiar feelings of wanting to burrow into the ground and hide there until the bad stuff is over.  Today I did just that.  I was at home looking from work today as one of my children was sick.  I had a bad experience a few years ago which was one of the triggers of my episode.  My eldest daughter was very sick and I missed alot of work because of it.  I was exhausted trying to juggle work and home life and I could not satisfy either my family or my boss.  He shouted at me one day when i rang in to say that I could not go to work and I sat down and cried, organised a baby sitter , left my very upset child and went to work for the allegedly essential meeting.  It was one of the stupidest things I ever did.  The meeting was fairly pointless, it was not essential that I was there as I could not contribute to it at all.  When I arrived to the meeting he barked a series of questions at me and I started to cry.  that was the beginning of the end.  When I realise on Sunday morning that I would have to ring in to say I would be missing work again the feelings and memories of those few day resurfaced.  I remember the jumble of confusion that overtook me, the wondering of how would I cope, what would happen if I lost my job. I tried to put it out of my mind that my daughters illness was back.  but as it became apparent that it was my mind started to unravel.  Two thoughts kept running around in my head, how will I be able to work and mind her at the same time, where would the money come from.  I became exhausted and depressed.  

So the day has dawned again, I had to take quite a bit of time off over the last few months.  the difference is that now I understand that my boss has a responsibility to manage the work flow and if I cannot work then it is for him to organise the consequences.  If I have to give up work then I will manage.  I am having an average response to a stressful situation.  Today I did burrow into my lovely warm bed and cuddly blanket but I got up and face the day.  I rely on the wonderful tool of recovery to bring me out of the safety of my bed and back to the real world to face up to the things that need to be done.  I thought that I would share them here.  They might seem like cliches but they work for me.  

Sample Recovery International Tools

• Treat mental health as a business and not as a game.
• Humor is our best friend, temper is our worst enemy.
• If you can't change a situation, you can change your attitude towards it.
• Be self-led, not symptom-led.
• Nervous symptoms and sensations are distressing but not dangerous.
• Temper is, among other things, blindness to the other side of the story.
• Comfort is a want, not a need.
• There is no right or wrong in the trivialities of every day life.
• Calm begets calm, temper begets temper.
• Don't take our own dear selves too seriously.
• Feelings should be expressed and temper suppressed.
• Helplessness is not hopelessness.
• Some people have a passion for self-distrust.
• Temper maintains and intensifies symptoms.
• Do things in part acts.
• Endorse yourself for the effort, not only for the performance.
• Have the courage to make a mistake.
• Feelings are not facts.
• Do the things you fear and hate to do.
• Fear is a belief—beliefs can be changed.
• Every act of self-control leads to a sense of self-respect.

My favourite one is :command the muscles, it is exactly that.  sometimes we need to take control of our bodies and move.  I had to command my legs to get out of bed earlier, my hands to fold the washing.  I bore the discomfort of getting up and getting my daughter ready for her exams when all I wanted to do was to stay in bed frozen in fear.  

I might have regressed a little today but in doing so I realised how far I had come in a year.  I might get shouted at again, but this time at least I am pleasing at least one person in my choices; me.  

So today remember the most important person in your life is you and you are the person whose responsibility it is to keep yourself happy, to look after yourself and live your life in a way that keeps you well.  I nearly forgot that today.