letting go

Just as I needed to let go of limiting beliefs I had to let go to material stuff.  I cleared out loads of toys belonging to the children and old book, college notes, out of date and unneeded stuff.  Following the example of my sister in law I was ruthless, well as ruthless as I can be.  I now have an almost acceptable cleared out dining room.  Since the arrival of our beloved dog, and her persistent desire to eat the rabbit I have had no where to relax.  The door to the front room has to be kept permanently closed so that the animals are kept separate.  I was unable to spend any time in there as the dog would whine when left alone.  So I had to rearrange the house.  Bags of stuff has gone to be recycled, re purposed and re-loved.  Loads of stuff has gone to the dump.  And finally it has been agreed to repatriate the rabbit.  Her original owner is keen to have him back.  Yippeeeee.  I never bonded with him, especially as he liked to bite me.  Never a good idea to bite the hand that feeds you.  So letting go has made me feel so much better.  My energy levels were not so good but sometimes its best to just keep swimming.  I acknowledged all the times I wanted to give up and I just plodded along.  

De-cluttering is good for the soul and the spirit.  I hated to throw out good stuff and found a great website where you can give away things you no longer need.  I think it was the belief that it is wrong to dump things that still have a use that was getting in the way of my clear-out.  So now I am happily photographing the things that are taking up space that I no longer need and hope that out there somewhere some one wants it.  

From this clear out I have learned quite a few things.  I have learned that it is best to lead by example, my children have started to clear out their old stuff too.  I have learned that there is more than one way to do things.  I did nt have to throw out the stuff that was useful; I was able to give it away.  I have learned that if someone gives you something it is them yours and it is ok to pass it on or even dump it if you no longer love need or value it.  

So today think about what you are holding on to that you no longer need. What is taking up space and energy in your life that you can let go of.  In order to make way for new things we need to get rid of the old things.  Let go and be open to all the new and wonderful possibilities in life.  I had Debussy on a loop on the computer while doing the clearing out.  His music is so fresh and relaxing at the same time.  It is perfect letting go music.  And although I am now editing my life I have decided to give up editing my blog, stream of consciousness writing is so much nicer I think.  

Happy Sunday . 

live like someone left the gate open

Last night I had the strangest dream.  No it was not about a row boat to China in fact I cannot remember much of the detail but I remember the feeling of pure joy as I awoke.  I woke up without an ounce of tension in my body all cosy and happy.  I released so much stuff this week and I learnt the importance of rest and relaxation.  

The house is a total mess (which will be useful  in the January photo scavenger hunt, should be some really messy pics for that) but what of it, houses can be cleaned, but mental health cannot be repaired quite as easily as just doing the hoovering cleans up the house.  Sometimes its a matter of judgement what is the most important thing right now.  Is it the mound of washing? the kitchen full of dirty dishes? the garden full of crap? or is it my mental well being.??

I need order to feel well but I need wellness to bring order.  My latest realisation is that all other things follow from our mental and physical well being.  When I am well house work is effortless, life is comparatively effortless.  Being in the flow of wellness leads to happiness and productivity.  I suppose it is such an obvious thing.  We know many things in our logical minds but do we practice theses thing? Do we really practice these things?  I think it is only when we are consciously aware of the importance of staying well and minding ourselves that we exhibit our understanding of that fact and live in a way that shows we do.

This week I learnt to re-frame my past by looking at old pictures of myself, wow I had some great fun and quite an interesting time really.  

This week I learnt to re-frame failure by listening to other peoples stories of failure.  I love the word non-success and plan to use it instead of the other word for non-success.  I found out that I can learn more form my recovery and acceptance of failure than I do from my success.  

This week I learnt that I use the word Why alot and that asking people Why makes many people uncomfortable.  They feel it as a criticism.  So it might be better to ask , for what reason did you do that instead of Why , sometimes the answers you get are a little more informative!

And so the hibernation finally yielded up the necessary realisations for me to move forward and keep going on.  Its time to move on past defining myself by my actions and by my psychological fragility.   I no longer belong in heaven,  now I realise I am firmly back on earth, fully grounded and myself, I no longer feel the need to look for paradise.  I have it here with me.  

So today let go, ground yourself, and live like someone let the gate open.

the roundabout

So heres the thing, now I am self aware there are many feelings and sensations I reocgnise.  I had a minor panic attack to day but I know to just keep on going through it.  I have a fuzzy feeling again.  It is like a cloud of conclusion.  I know now that confusion generally precedes a breakthrough.  This one will be about procrastination I hope.  I have been procrastinating alot for the last month.  I decided to look at the things that were getting in the way of me achieveing the things I want.  I noticed that too much stimulation, too many things happening at once, too much of a build up of mess at work of at home becomes overwhelming.  I need a quite space to organise my thoughts.  So in honour of my new years resolution I took action and went off by myself for lunch alone.  I really do need my down time.  So what beliefs are getting in the way of me taking adequate rest and downtime?   

I don't have any answers but at least I have the questions.  I have decided to work on a wellness project for myself.  It begins with a Wellness Recovery Action Plan.  I started it today.  It is quite a heavy piece of work to do as it required honesty about my triggers, what I don't do for myself, what people should do if I have another episode.  It is like a major emergency plan and an owners manual for me.  

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck on a roundabout unable to get off.  The bad thoughts try to keep me there.  Today I started to panic because I could not find my note from a meeting.  I started to panic and could not concentrate.  I had that awful sick sensation, the hot waves of panic, the dizziness, the cheat pains, the total inability to calm down.  I wanted to run home and cry.  But now I know it was just a feeling, feelings pass and taking action helps.  So I cleared my desk, I filed everything and still no sign so I let go.  I decided to just say well so what, I will just decided to accept that I lost it.  Within minutes I realized that I had filed it already.  Such  lesson for me.  The jobs I had stressed about for days were in fact simple.  I just need to cut myself some slack and accept that I am no longer the person I was.  I blocked out all the stress, ignored all the warning signs and convinced myself that all was rosy in the garden.  I am human, I make mistakes, I am still learning, and I don t except myself to have all the answers.

Today's lesson is to be kind to myself and get a bit more organised, stop forcing the flow, let things happen and don't try to control things too much.