Tuesday, 7 August 2012

little girl finds her voice

Yesterday was a day of letting go.  I listened to my little girl who was scared and hurt.  My inner child is 6.  She needed is not ready to share what is hurting her, but now she is starting to feel safe she is dropping strong hints.  I had a very emotional day yesterday as I decided to visit my fathers grave.  I asked someone to go with me and he did.  He understood that I needed to feel minded, so few people do.  They only see the part of me I am comfortable to show; my capable side, probably why I write this personal blog, to share my vulnerabilities publicly yet anonymously.

I could not find the grave as I had not been back since he was buried I knew I was very close to it and yet could not find it.  I felt totally abandoned.  I knew I was nearby as I was standing in the place I stood for the funeral.  I rang my mother but no answer, then one brother, then the other.  I described where I was and he said I was very close I was in fact right next to it but did not see it at all.  

Over the last week I have been connecting with what my father meant to me.  I tried to please him all my life and always sought his approval.  Yet he failed to keep us safe.   I realised that I was always slightly scared of him and not being good enough, I held him in awe and yet he failed to do his most important job keep his family safe.  I shall be carrying on my visits to graves with two more visits, my maternal grandfather and my uncle.  My uncle damaged our family and I think it is time for me to ask him why.

i thought that my dad kept me safe but he didnt, instead he instilled a sense of fear into me which has translated into anxiety.  It is ok to admit my failing, it is ok to admit my mistakes, it is ok to have flaws and most important it is ok not to have all the answers.

It was a big step for me to ask for emotional support yesterday and it was even more of a big step for me that I identified and asked someone who did exactly what I needed emotionally.  I cried and was left to cry, and he was there to give me a hanky when I needed it too.  If I ever share this blog with you I hope you understand just how thankful I am that you supported me when I needed it.  I wonder will I be able to identify the correct person to ask for help next time I need it, I hope so.

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