Tuesday, 29 May 2012

its never too late to live your dreams

As a teenager I had a vision of my life.  I would be living on an island in the Mediterranean , have a handsome boyfriend, a few goats, a few children; all girls and be an artist of crafts person of some kind.   Some of my vision came true I live near the sea, have children and some animals but not goats, I crochet like a maniac but don't make my living from arts or crafts.  On a fine day I could well be on a Mediterranean island as it is just so beautiful here.

My lovely dog at the beach down the road.  

The cove, 10 minutes walk away

Today I realised that it is only when we loose sight of our visions, when we put aside our dreams that the fun and colour drain out of life.  Today I got a new bike.  My first working bike in 17 years.  I sat on it trying to get my balance and it is not as easy as riding a bike i can tell you. Io am petrified about going out in traffic.  As I sat in the garden on the bike I remembered another one of my dreams wen I was 18, to cycle around the Camargue.  I am blessed that I am still reasonably fit for my age although very overweight.  I can still realise my dream before it gets too late and I am longer physically able.

So I will continue to dream, about cycling past white horses on a misty morning, about having my own exhibition (a dream I gave up at the same time I gave up cycling).  I will continue to dream that one day I will meet someone lovely and get married again.  that  I will win the lottery. I dream of my cottage by the beach, or my children being happy, of their father being a dream father.  some dreams might become reality , some not.  

Right now its bed time so I am off to dream my sweet dreams of cycling past white horses on a misty morning in the Camargue. 

Thursday, 24 May 2012

bubbles, bats and birthdays

Although it is past midnight I still consider it my birthday.  It was a lovely day here, sun shining, perfect Irish Summers day.  I came home to a lovely clean kitchen, a cake in the oven, a bunch of night scented stock, happy children and a very bouncy dog.  We went into the garden to blow bubbles, less obsessed now but still love watching them float into the sky.  the dog loves to catch them , great fun.  I walked the dog down the track an saw the baby bats taking flight, maybe their first flights.

Sitting here now writing up an action plan for a committee I recently joined.  Listening to dire sites drinking Ritz and eating chocolate.  Does life get any better at 45.  Totally contented today.

Happy memories of drinking in the park going to a party and listening to this album the first time out. Lovely happy summer memories. We all need them to keep going through the dark days of winter and the dark nights of the soul.

Happy unbirthday to you all.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

sometimes things just are, are they?

I have begun to wonder if there really is a reason for everything and an explanation for most things.  I got a migraine and it wound not leave me.  My counseller said it was from working too hard.  Wish she would say that to my boss, lol.  Anyway I took to my bed in true ladylike style I had a it of the vapours.  I tried to keep going but had to give in a lye down and take migralief.  my doctor says you can get then from dehydration and over exertion.  he gave the example of drink lots of beer after playing squash, lol he is actually a great doctor despite this.  I was wondering if there really needs to be a reason for everything.  I think it was spending too much time in a stuffy office with flickering florescent lights myself that caused it.  Does it matter what causes things , why they happen, sometime why cant things just be.  Or perhaps do we really need to know why everything is as it is.  I decided to adopt that attitude and am now up writing rubbish at 3.40am after working all night.  I enjoying my start to being 45.  I like using my brain when it is not about to explode.  Maybe its just that I cannot process my thoughts properly when surrounded by noise and my brain needed some quite.  I even got earplugs , oh the job of quite .

A very happy birthday to me and a very merry unbirthday to you.

So today just when you stop to wonder just stop wondering and give your poor old brain a rest.  

Friday, 18 May 2012

all change

Life can be strange and so can dealing with changes.  This time last year I was comming out of the worst of my episode and was starting to enjoy life again.  It is my birthday this month and I will be 45.  I feel young again.  I got a migraine for the first time in years this week.  I did all the usual things to find out the cause , I tapped , I did affirmations and it passed.  I blamed myself for taking on too much and when I returned to work the following day I noticed that the flickeing light overhead was about to trigger another one.  Sometimes we need to look around us to see what is really causing us the pain.  

I think all through my 30s I felt burdened.  For many years I used to think how awful it would be if my younger self turned up and saw me.  I had achieved nothing I planned on when I was younger.  I was possibly the most boring person I could ever imagine.  I was burdened down by everything and just kept going out of a sense of duty.  I am thankfully free of that now and understand that I have choices.  

My favourite Irish song played on my favourite Irish instrument.  baidin fhileamie, on the uillean pipes.  Always wanted to try them out, I wonder what stopped me?  Probably me !

So today ask yourself what it is you would love to do if only you had the courage and go find that courage and go do it.  Am off to find someone to show me how to play the uillean pipes:-)

Saturday, 12 May 2012

full circle

Today truly celebrate the days like this:  
Throw those curtains wide, 
one day like this a year 
would see me right!

In October 2010 I did not see how I could continue to endure the daily pain and torture of life.  Thankfully in November 2010 I started to cry and could not stop.  I went to the doctor who prescribed me anti depressants and suggested I take time off work.  And so began what I call my episode.  My doctor calls it an adjustment reaction, my counsellor calls it a nervous breakdown, my friends call it a sabbatical from reality. It only needs a name or a label so that people can put it in context, I like to call it the episode.  I took the picture above in December 2010 on the track near where I live.  It was the first time I started to notice things around me in years.  I was stabilising and while I was not getting better I was not getting worse. 

I started to take daily walks in the beautiful winter light.  Light of that purity and clarity is rare here.  

Gradually I ventured further down the track. 

Spring came and I felt better.   

This morning we closed the circle.  My daughter and I walked a dawn walk to raise awareness for suicide and self harm.  It is crossed the place where I took my daily walks.  I lived in hope that doing the things people said would help me get better would eventually pay off and while I did not even want to get out of bed I took the advise, commanded my muscles and took that daily walk.  It took about a year before I would stop to chat with anyone I met on route.  I see so many others doing the same thing as I used to do.  Putting one foot in front of the other, taking that daily walk and focusing on just getting through each moment.  Eventually it will pay off for them too and one day they might even stop for a chat.  

The symbolism of the event was wonderful.  I came from darkness to light.  Dawn broke as we got about half way along and the route back was light by candles, about 2km of them.  I have come the full circle.   Today was a day in a million.  

Thursday, 10 May 2012

learning to really let go

I have had my first breakthrough in a while.  Learning to let go of grudges is something I need to do.  I am a kind person but not a very forgiving one.  I find it difficult.

Today's breakthrough was learning to let go of the guilt of lost friendships.   I ended up a few streets away from where a old friend lives.  We are no longer friends.  We were best friends in our teenage years and early 20s.  In those days I did not know about the importance of valuing myself and I allowed myself to put her wishes first.  I had a near panic attack when I realised where I was on Sunday.  I explored this today during my fortnighly counselling session and finally came to terms with what happened.  I was unable to understand or express my hurt feelings at the time so I just cut off all contact with her.  I never really forgave her or me for what happened and now I can.  It is so wonderful to free myself of the confines and expectations of others.  When I thought I could no longer move forward and had to be content that this is as much progress as I would ever make, I was yet again surprised at the outcome of today's session.  As I keep saying to her, it is only when I am leaving that I know why I keep going.

Today's song is in deference to my brothers impending visit to York but also to remind us of the general ups and downs and how things just are.

Happy Thursday so today really reallyreallyreally let go of that old grudge and be freeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!