Here we go

One of the side effects of anti depressant medication can be an increase in suicidal thoughts . My doctor explained this to me in very simple terms. When you start to come out of the depressive fog a realisation of all the problems awaiting you can be overwhelming. This can lead to suicidal thoughts . I was visited by such a thought recently. My plan has always been to jump off something very high so there is no chance of being stopped or of being revived. I suppose the reason that it is such a good plan is that I have yet to find such a place! When I feel the thoughts creating up it is usually a strange urge to climb over a bridge railing and jump. I suppose it is more like a need to escape than any thing else. I have been depressed recently. It was brought on by a combination of exhaustion and the realisation of how my flawed thinking has kept me from living my life for myself. It has always been that I must do what others want so that I can keep them happy. I had an astonishing realisation that I have allowed so many people to manipulate me and I have been a willing participant in it. I have been brave recently and  behaved like an adult, I am finally facing up to many things I have blocked out. There is that awful dip now that I heard about but what goes up must come down or in this case what goes down will come back up. Hope springs eternal. Last week I wished I believed in god so I could pray for help but I realised that it is all within myself. So I I let go and let my subconscious guide me and so far I am able to get up and function at about 50% of normal. I have to let go of more before I am back to my normal functioning and by cutting myself infj ate slack I know I will get that. Fog always clears in the presence of the sun so I think I will take the time to create my own sun. Today is not a day for looking for the perfect jumping point it is a day for throwing back the curtains and letting the sun in. Happy Sunday to you all. Remember to stay away from the edge as it is just too tempting to go over . I am going to remain firmly on the ground , feet firmly planted in reality. Here's hoping I don't get too stuck in the mud.