Friday, 29 June 2012

following on from yesterdays post

The weather here is really changeable and I take the opportunity to get out and walk the dog in any sunshine we get.  As I walked along the beach the wind was blowing a fresh breeze my hair was blowing in the wind I could feel the breeze on my arms and felt glad to be alive.  Yesterdays song brought loads upon loads of memories back for me about my childhood and I remembered how happy I was for the large part.  A few things happened in our family to make it a less than happy one, my great aunt became ill and needed around the clock care and I forgot all those lovely happy memories.  I have to admit I am still crying at the realisation.  I just want to go back and give that little girl a hug for being so brave.  What I needed then was someone to explain to me in words I could understand that it was her time to go.  After that things were so different I never grieved and when the next bad thing happended I had no resilience.  It was not until years later that I found out about some of the bad stuff that had been happening to one of my siblings.  It coloured my view of my happy childhood.  Survivor guilt is something often  I often hear about and I wish I had understood more about that and learned to forgive myself sooner.    

Now i am realiseing the impact my divorce had on the kids, how my illness must have impacted on them.  How it is so hard to make sense of the world as an adult and probably even more so as a child.  It is my job to help my children learn about life and the world and walk beside them metaphorically holding their hands until they can fly off to build their own , self actualised , lives.  Roots and wings are the key to a childs happiness and mine were clipped too young.  

As I rounded the corner by the cove and watched the seagulls, egrets, and sparrows all soaring on the updraft I look a quick look around and when I was sure no one was watching I put out my arms and imagined what it would be like to soar.  It was awesome.

So today spread you wings a learn how to take that leap of faith that things will always improve, and you know what they just might.

Happy Friday to you all.  I will be taking many more leaps of faith and trusting that there will be a bed of feathers out there to catch me as I land.

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