Sunday, 30 September 2012

Just stop

Sometimes we endure for no reason because it never occurs to us not to .

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Heart thaw , brain melt

My last post was written just before my mood dropped to the lowest point it reached since I recovered . They say pride comes before a fall and as always they are right. I connected with a new feeling and I had no idea what it was ,so I searched and rooted around to find out what it was.  They also say let sleeping dogs lie, and by feck are They right. I think I rooted out my brain and every bad though I ever had , I thawed so much my brain melted.  I believed that I would stay well forever. So the days under the duvet returned . Once again I began to define myself by what I could not do. I forgot to trust myself, I listened while other people told me how I felt, how I should live, I forgot that I am responsible for my life.  That awful brain buzz that heralds the start of a dip started.  There was so little room in my brain for any other thought other than how I would never feel well again. I felt responsible for everyone except myself. My feelings were caused by what was said to me at work, by the way a grumpy old man shouted at my dog, by the fact that my father never allowed me the freedom to be me, by the fact that my significant other no longer wanted me, by the weather, the bank , oh and of course organised religion. That really fucked me up I told me self and well yes it did but I still forgot my tool and everything I had learned in the previous year .  I am responsible for my wellness and if I don't look after myself I will not stay well.  Others and situations my cause me to fall down but I get back up by remembering to ask for help and look after the basics.  Today I was remaindered of that. So I asked for help , I went to my doctor , wonderful man , I just needed to be reminded of what keeps me well , reducing my stressors and knowing my limits. Deep down we all know what we need to do to stay well, sometimes I is something hard difficult or unpleasant , like facing up fully to a difficult situation or do things that are not enjoyable.  I know that I need to face up to my own inadequacies but I forgot that I am not defined by them.  I know that I have the tools to stay well I just have to use them. And so a new cycle of acceptance of who I am begins.  There are things that I have done that I am not proud of but that is balanced by the good things . So now I give myself a pat on the back , well done me for all my efforts , hard work pays off and so does having fun.  I thought I would be locked in the cycle of brain buzz forever , I just needed to switch it off and remember that we all have to work at it and that is what I need to do.  So happy Saturday all you people in blogger land.  Remember the basics, trust yourself , trust your instincts, am endorse your efforts for everything you do, even if you don't have all the answers out there somewhere is someone who can answer them one at a time.