I thought that I had finished with blogging and would never write another post. Recently I have been running on the great big hamster while of life, walk the dog, work, home, kids, listening to all the complaints of the day , walk the dog, dinner, bed. And then it stopped. I went to a spa hotel for a few days. I did not know what to do with myself for the first few hours. And then I realised I dont take the time to stop and relax at all anymore. I had been having the fuzzy feeling of confusion and did not realise it meant that I needed to take some time to relax and let my mind settle.
I could feel the angst of others too clearly. I forgot to feel my own feelings. I could feel the discomfort of the confusion. I knew things were wrong but could not figure out what it was. So finally a chance conversation with a friend gave me an insight into the problem. We meet for dinner or lunch a few times a year and it is amazing how the insight of an outsider can give clarity. This clarity is something I used to get from counselling and it is now a rarity.
And so this last week I look a giant leap off my hamster wheel. I ran freely through the meadows of freedom like and newly free hamster would. I have been feeling judged by others and it has made me retreat onto the confining hamster wheel. It is great to be free again. Why oh why do I trap myself so much?? I had a lengthy conversation with someone close to the family last week. I had not realised how much her judgement of us was affecting me. So as any good hippie would do I went out and bought a sage stick to smudge the house! I still haven't smudged the house but at least I have cleared out the limiting expectations of others from my head. I need to stick with my own views of what we need and forget about trying to conform to the expectations of others. It is, as always, my downfall.
So today I am off to enjoy my freedom and remember to live my life for me.
As we say here feck the begrudgers.