Last week I decided that I could not return to work unless I had completed something, just to prove to myself I can complete things. I decided that I would not return to work until I had finished the blanket. Then as described by my daughter the blanket grew and grew overnight, and again the following night, and the following day(helped by frenzied crocheting obviously, am not that mad to think the elves did it). So often we try to sabotage our efforts to do well and now I have surprised myself by supporting my efforts to get well. I have turned a corner. I have in fact retrained my brain into supporting me again. For so long I could only see the negative and now maybe it OK to wear the rose tinted glasses I used to view the world through again. Within us all there is the capacity to heal ourselves. I am so glad and thankful that I am now healing. Crocheting the blanket has given me many lessons, it has renewed my creativity, provided me with warmth, given me a goal, helped me reconnect with my mother, reminded me of the many parts of my life, inspired me to do more and taught me how to sometime wait for the inspiration to flow and not force it. I have a few more rows to do before it is fully complete and then of course the edging, possibly something with reclaimed beads, not so sure that to do yet. I found so many scraps of wool in the bags and bags my mother gave me. They all have a story, there is even some wool which I think my granny used to crochet my older brother's teddy's coat. There is wool from my favourite cardigan ever and my favorite jumper, from my daughters baby clothes, and possibly from my baby clothes. I estimate that some of it is well over 50 years old. My family keep lots of things in case they might have a use in the future. I realise that I do too. I have a large chest of drawers to store so much of the things that might come in useful in the future and have dumped out loads of things over the course of my illness. Letting go of many things I do not need, objects as well as feelings, has been cathartic but I am glad that my mother and grandmother, and their relatives and friends who kept that wool did not, as it has created a most wonderful security blanket for me.
I had an image of myself coming home from work in the coming winter in the middle of the floods and angry complaints about the conditions of the roads and the lack of water. I imagined a lull in the bad weather when a bright sunny frosty Sunday appeared and me lying out on my lovely sun lounger coccoooned in a wonderful colourful warm blanket enjoying a rest and peace and quite in the fresh air. I also imagined my children bringing me the Sunday papers, tea and my favourite cheese on toast but that is perhaps a leap too far.
I suppose I was looking for ways to deal with the stresses I had experienced in the past. I sought my place where I don't have to worry. I discussed that thought at a recent counselling session. I wondered where that place was. She looked at me with amazement and after I really really could not work it out she dragged the realisation out of me that the place where I don't have to worry is in my own mind. We create our own heaven and hell within ourselves. So since then I have been catching myself up as I start down the slippery slope of worry. I am retraining myself, and in doing so, I will retrain my family to worry less. So far I have helped my youngest to identify worrying thoughts, simply by making her aware of them. I ask; Are you having a worrying thought? And so it continues the trans-generational mind programming, expect, now I know I can reprograme myself so I can help them to undo the years of negative programming I have inflicted on them and release them from the years of self doubt that would invariably follow. I have always wanted only happiness for my children and now I want more. I wish them happiness but I now want them to have a full life and not just one thing. Being happy does not mean being over indulged.
I was lucky to be given such strong roots but I had my wings soundly clipped. I have only given my children wings and no roots so they have no safe branch to land on in times of doubt and trouble. I now combine it all into the roots and wings they need and tend to my own clipped wings. No more pulling out my feathers in self disgust. I love my favorite current therapy of thinking in ink as I am told it is not possible to lie while writing in free flow. Today I succeeded in being myself, of expressing some of my fears, of dealing with the molehills that I had turned into mountains and realised that I still have things to let go. I walked mindfully to today's meeting, thinking about how different my life is from this time last year. I feel lighter, although a stone heavier, and I feel free.