Wednesday, 29 June 2011

and so the next chapter

And  so it happened

Today I put all my hard work into action.  I expressed myself in a situation that I would not have felt comfortable speaking out in previously.  I would have been too anxious to express myself.  I would have been too caught up in my old patterns.  I really could not have found the words before.  I let it all out, well not all of it, but just enough to be understood.  It is ok to be myself, today I was myself in a work environment for the first time in years.  I was very strange for me to be at work again, although still not back I am now ready to go back.  Just a few things to do and off I go again.  The irony of effectively being the junior again after years of being the boss is not lost on  me.  I am my healthiest in years, I have never felt so calm and creative and now I will be doing one of the least pressured jobs in the world.  (Hopefully) A straight forward nine to five job close to home.  I will be able to walk to work.  To come home for lunch, to meet people for coffee and integrate my life totally.  So I will be spared the stress of moving house, and I will not have to leave the beauty of the bay and strand and all the rest of the loveliness.  It is a pity that my daughter does not feel the same joy, for her this town is not a safe place and she is so disconnected since she has been in secondary school.  The kids are delighted that I am going back to work.  I have been budgeting tightly since the day I thought i would never be able to work again and now I am in a better financial state than I was at the beginning of the episode despite the drop in income.  Oh the things you can do when you have a clear head. For me the new job will be like going back 11 years.  It is that long since I moved here with great expectations of success, instead it was in fact the total opposite.  And what have I learned from all this I wonder.  I suppose I have learned that we have so little control over our external environment but we can always change ourselves and our interal environment.  In my inner world I  high up in the clouds and there my cloud is made of  pink fluff, I lie on a pink silk covered brocade steamer chair, propped up on cushions of infinite softness and fanned by gorgeous men, with oiled bodies and tiny white loin cloths, with fans made of ostrich feathers.  There is a beautiful oasis nearby filled with palm trees and a lake shaded by over hanging trees, a lake so turquoise it dazzles , when I get bored of sunning myself on the cloud I can glide off gently into the lake and swim for miles and miles in the lovely warm water, of course there is the sound of crickets singing and occasionally a thrush breaks into song.  When my episode began I bought a number of books to try to understand what was the matter with me.  I could not read at all for weeks and weeks as my mind was simply not able for it.  Eventually I started to read the ones with big writiong and simple and often simplistic ways of healing.  One book was on creative visualisation and how it helps us to relax.  One exercise was to create a sanctuary in your mind and that was the one I visualised.  I? evoke the feeling of being there , in my happy place ( very sick making I know but it works for me) and I can feel happy.  So I tried to visualise a life filled with ease, where I enjoy myself in a healthy way, where I am not under siege by the complaints of others and their selfish ways.  I want a life filled with joy and happiness and I now realise that it is up to me to create that for myself.  Today was the first time in many many years I felt truly myself.  I am free as a bird and loving it.  The biggest difficulty for me is to remember that feeling good is normal for many people I had been accustomed to feeling bad.  I got to a point where I could no longer remember what it was like to be happy and I believed that it was my destiny to remain like this forever.  But nothing is constant and as they say the only constant thing is change.  So now I will be working in a job that is all about change, where I will be instrumental in changing how many people will work for the foreseeable future.  Yesterday I did do some weird things and the rock balancing  got a tad out of hand, so so many lovely rocks on the strand and so many lovely butterflies to chase if you were so inclined.  It did serve one purpose thought;it totally absorbed my overactive mind into a single activity and my new job will do that.  It is potentially totally absorbing and rewarding.   I hope it will be as absorbing as the rock balancing and if not I can always take a quick run off down to the strand at tea beak or lunch break and balance a few rocks.  It will be so strange to have achieved what I thought I was getting 11 years ago.  It has taken that long for me to adjust to the realisation that things are not done with great speed here.  But manyana has finally arrived and i can go slowly enough now to see the pretty flowers on the way.  So finally I go quietly about my business out of the spot light and away from the glare of judgement.  I have never been comfortable with the public scrutiny my previous job brought with it and today I realised why.  So I can take that realisation and park it up until i need it again and enjoy the mentally challenging job that lies before me.  I am now strong again and so strong I am not afraid to show my vulnerability. 

Teflon coated  heart
rocks in equilibrium
soul at peace again

Goodnight and happy whatever day today is.

apologies for the lack of proof reading but I am now off to sleep and to dream sweet dreams of contentment and plan my reintegration into the real world , a world where i can still dream of the perfect bubble machine but earn enough to be able to build it :-)

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