Friday, 10 June 2011

anxiety is creeping up my leg and the joys of abstract expressionism

Now that I have recovered from the depression I am left in a state of flux.  I am still experiencing quite a bit of anxiety around my return to work.  I am now OK in myself but I am visited by anxiety or Tina as I refer to the anxiety fairy.  I find it handy to have a code for this, its easier to say Tina is visiting rather than I am anxious.  Similarly Quentin the imaginary afghan hound leaves some strange smells in our house.  
Anyway . 
Being highly sensitive and have strong passions and feeling for many things tends to intensify all my feelings.  My eldest is similarly blessed and it was only when this was diagnosed that I realized I was the same.  Highly strung, passionate, enthusiastic are some of the kinder labels people have put on me.  Over sensitive, a bit psycho, nuts, a lighting bitch are some of the unkinder ones.  My sensitivity has its uses but when I am not aware of it I can be tuning into the feelings of others, something that is common with people who have had similar life experiences.  It is a defense mechanism.  Now I am doing the real work, the "feel the fear and do it any way".  the anxiety starts in many parts of my body.  Mostly in my stomach but also on my hands and feet.  I have learned to tune into the sensation and I noticed if the stress was external I would first feel it in my extremities, my hands and feet, but if it was purely internal it was i my stomach, God Bless acid reflux tablets.  It can be both and then  it is those awful waves of heat and the spinning sensation as I think i am going to faint.  NLP helps alot with this.  

Ah the joys of anxiety attack.  If I were well it might be an interesting sensation all the adreniline.  I first encountered my high adrenaline leves at the dentist when I was 35.  I had a fear of dentists, one of many fears, and worked on my relaxation techniques when I was having some dental treatment,  but despite this I was surprised that could feel the familiar fearful sensation.  I could not understand and thought that I might be having a heart attack.  I told the dentist who was very dismissive but told me there had been some adrenaline in the injection to assist the healing process.  He said he always gave it unless it was medically indicated  and refused not to use it on me unless I got permission from my doctor.  I was very well at the time, my normal self, me - the girl who was confident and secure in myself.  Needless to say I found a dentist who listened to me and was happy that I could give myself the permission to refuse adrenaline on the basis that I did not want to feel like that.  I got a new dentist and a serious understanding of the effect of adrenaline on the body.  I did not need to participate in those sports that the adrenaline junkies did to get the rush , I just had to leave the house and there it would be; a dog that I did not know personally would be ehought to get the rush.  So I think I became an anxiety junkie.  Creating the feeling within myself and not knowing how to deal with the adrenaline.  there are quite a few methods available.  Currently I am using EFT, Emotional freedom technique.  I hope to progress to a life free from unnecessary anxiety.

Yesterday I got a mad urge to draw instead of doing the housework.  I was listening to Nina Simone and it brought back memories of doing gesture drawing in charcoals on brown paper with the smell of oil paint all around.  So I got out my oil bars that have not been used in around 15 years and doodled to the music cy twombly style.  It progressed in to a real weird looking mess but when I was finished I had successfully worked out what had been on my mind but it took until today and much staring at the result.  

On an aside I went to an exhibition of his work while visiting a friend in New York many years ago and really really really did not understand it at all.  On the way back home I happened to get chatting to a random stranger; the chap on the plane sitting next to me who turned out to be an artist and a contemporary of Mr Twombly.  He explained that he was expressing a feeling of how certain things were to him and that is what expressionism was for them at that time.  So Yesterday I expressed my feelings in oil on a page glued to the wall.  I had such fun and this morning as I worked on my return to work plan I stared at the thing on the wall and wondered what I was trying to tell myself.  I began to hum the lyrics that had been the end of the session and written all over the drawing:
Show me a place where I don't have to worry that where I belong.

A tribule to Cy
Here I am expressing my need for calm letting myself know that I need  to open my eyes to the infinte possibilities of happiness. 

I suppose the recollection of my meeting that chap was dredged from my memory because of what my x calls the "i had a piss next to someone famous" thing.  I think his was next to Ronnie Wood in Galway.  I found out that someone I know knew Leonard Cohen when she was young and I loooove his poetry.  So full of insight into the joys of the overworking mind. 
And finally or as they say in my line of work.; To summerise and conclude.  We all have the knowledge inside ourselves to guide us through life, some call it sixth sense, intuition, or just common sense.  If we loose touch with it we go way off track.  Reconnecting with it for me has been a long and painful process and I have let go of so much.  I am now entering unchartered territory for me.  A life where I know I do not have all the answers and I am not always right(perish the thought) and a world where I proof read my posts hmmmm perish that thought too.  Where sometimes I will be tempted to do the easy thing which will lead me down the wrong road in the future.  I need to remember to keep asking myself How will this contribute to my long term happyness. Dont you just love the Dali lama.  We have all the answers within our self.  If we are honest with our selves and others about our desires and needs then we will find the contentment we seek.  

Show me a place where I don't have to worry
And that's where I belong
Show me a place where I don't have to hurry
And that's where I belong
Give me the time, so I can change my mind
Where it don't matter if I'm wrong
Show me a place where I don't have to worry
And that's where I belong

Mark Knofler and the notting hill billies,  

Happy Friday and have a lovely weekend I am off to find a place where I dont have to worry because thats where I belong.

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