Saturday, 11 June 2011

Chaill me m'anam, I lost my soul

My counseller read me a section from Eisteach the magazine for councellers.  It was about someone loosing their mind.  I then thought; I did not loose my mind what I really lost was my soul.  I have pondered the many causes of my episode but I did not really start to heal until I reconnected with my soul.  I was doing some inner child work and low and behold I had the weirdest experience.  I was nothing.  I was lost I was in total blackness searching for something I did not understand.  My soul returned to me during a very very strange and frightening inner child exercise.  Something that really can only be done under the guidance of a trained professional.  My task now is to cherish and nurture my soul so that it remains healthy and not the lost and withered thing it had become.  I suppose that is why episodes such as mine are called the dark night of the soul for as I connected with my lost soul all I could see was a disembodied voice in semi darkness.  How did I feel ?? I felt that I had finally found the lost part of me that was holding me back from being complete.    It is so simplisitc to call this a mental illness, surely there should be a lable for people such as me, and the troubles we suffer, surely there should be a better name for this dark night of the soul.  I am non-religious but was brought up catholic.  I strongly admire many of the christian values.  I also admire much of the eastern philosophy of buddism.  But is was more than my soul I misplaced, I lost me the essance of who I am , my spirit, my personality, my sense of self, my joy, my contentment and my interest in all things around me and in me.   I think my best understanding of what I lost is; mo anam, my soul or my essance of being.  why is there no medical label for soul sickness, just mental illness.   How long will it be before the stigma of episodes like mine is gone and those that need help can seek it without fear of shame.  I just heard on the radio that 49 asylum seekers lost their lives through suicide.  Why is this soullessness so prevalent in today's Ireland.  Why is this sickness so prevalent.  I am so grateful that I was saved from the abyss, both real and imaginary, and I no longer even want to walk anywhere near it.  So I am off to have a bath and go back to bed, to read my book and indulge myself in total relaxation in a guilt free way.  I give myself permission to be lazy and unproductive.  I am stopping to sharpen my saw and not just put it down and ignore it like my previous relaxation attempts have been.  

So I might perhaps make some lists of things I need to do so that I can relax with a clear mind and enjoy the pleasure of a mind at peace and a soul cherished and adored by her owner.  Glad that it finally came back to stay.  Could this be contentment-I hope so.

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