Wednesday, 22 June 2011

gently does it

I have been obsessing over a very unpleasing experience and a very thoughtless remark made to me by someone whom I have allowed treat me badly in the past.  I am well now and yet I found myself obsessing over the incident for over a full day.  I have tried many things to rid myself of the feelings, and the thought but to no avail.  Just now the thought popped into my head, go gently, walk slowly and remember to breath.  It was a phrase I picked up somewhere that I wrote in the front of my diary to act as a reminder to be kind to myself.  The remark was thoughtless and hurtful to me.  I had expected better from him.  WHY???? He has always behaved in a thoughtless and mean way to me so why did I expect better.  I must lower my expectations around his behavior and stop behaving as I do towards him.  I have been afraid of him for so long but I am no longer afraid.  I acknowledge that he treats me disrespectfully and I do not deserve that.  The lesson here for me is not to force the pace of my feelings and my wellness.  People will make remarks that hurt my feelings.  I might  become overwhelmed by my feelings when that happens.  The difference is now I can recognise when that happens and make efforts to release the bad feeling. So gently does it.  the positive lesson here also is that the people who witness the incident were equally shocked and made their shock known, so finally I accept that I have not been imagining that behavior.  I so often blame myself for other peoples bad behavior.  That is lesson 2 for today.  I am not responsible for how people behave ; they are.  Wow I feel like a total simpleton for carrying around all that hurt for a whole day.  But I endorse myself for only carrying it around for a day.  Today was spent cleaning and crocheting.  I used some green wool today that I thought was purple.  I remember a jumper from my childhood.  I remember that I was wearing it when something very memorable happened but today I realised that the jumper was not purple but ion fact green.  40 year old wool remained me that our memories are not always reliable and I released all the pain from that awful memory.  I have used up so much wool and it is amazing how old some of it is.  Some of it was scraps my granny had kept and given to my mother and now I have them.  They are probably 60years old some of them.  They have been stored under beds and in cupboards for years and now I am turning them into something beautiful; they will be part of the blanket that will remind me forever of this episode.  I crotcheted so much of my self into that blanket and it is nearing completion.  Any day I start to crochet I have no idea what colour or texture will appear, what tension I will crochet with, how much or how little, how straight and even it will be or how dementedly crooked.  Today I used wool that I really really did not think I would ever use but it blended well and totally changed the blanket.  It is no longer mostly purple and red it is lightening and getting paler.  So I feel that I will complete the blanket before I return to work.  I think that there are few issues left unresolved for me.  Now my focus will be to implement the changes I made in my home life to my work life and hopefully my work life will be as lovely and as fulfilling as my home life is now. 

Happy Thursday 

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