Friday, 17 June 2011

mad as a bag of mackerel up a tree in the heat

Been having a crazy few days, so tempted to engage in unhealthy activities , resisting is exhausting.  Been feeling as mad as a bag of mackerel up a tree in the heat.  My brain has been pinging around like a pin ball machine and it is all so exhausting.  I suppose I expected that when I got well things would magically be ok but no such luck.  I still have all the boring stuff to do , still have decisions to make and still have a demanding job to return to , still have all the rest of it .  I might have grown but I have not left those bad patterns behind fully yet.  I feel myself splitting again, fragmenting into the different parts again.  the small hairline cracks are so tempting to allow to open completely , would it be so bad to be a little bad again.  Would it be so bad to get a nice buzz, would it be so bad to have a little fun.  I know the answer of course but it is still tempting, why not just this once I wonder, would once not be ok , but we all know once is never enough.  So here I am at 1.30 am trying to get to grips with the new me.  Ahhhhhh maybe it would be ok to have some instant gratification for just this once.  I am now strong enough to admit my need for this and I ask people to help me through this time of temptation.  It is so easy to return to the familiar pleasure that do me no good in the long run.  i want to feel good about myself and the only way to do that is to think of my long term well being.  Doing the right thing was automatic for me for so long and then doing the wrong thing was.  Now I just want to find a way through this time were my life is in flux but my desire is to be good, well and happy.

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