Saturday, 31 March 2012

today I will sit in a different chair

My daughter is teaching herself to play fast car on guitar at the moment.  We had a lovely moment in the garden this week when my memory was failing me and I took some time off work.  We sat out and she played and I listened and helped her with the sound.

I think there are memories that will stay with us forever, the ones that linger even if your brain unravels.  One of mine is on the road to Portmagee on the way to the skeillig island in a blue cortina with the guy, who I though at the time (and for several years after), was the great love of my life.  Fast car was blaring on the radio, the sun was splitting the stones, I was in love, he loved me back and we had our whole future ahead of us.  For years my memories of that day was clouded by how foolish I felt about how it ended and how I behaved.  But on Wednesday I was able to remember the good feeling I had that day.  There are those perfect days when I feel I can live forever in perfect bliss. Now I have a new happier memory to associate with the song.  

Recently I realised why I was sad. I miss having a special someone in my life.  I did joke that I will settle for a dog rather than any more unsuitable men.    Maybe it is just enough for me to acknowledge that I miss that, maybe it is just enough for me to cut myself some slack and allow myself the time to get over the last one.  If only I loved myself have as much as I have loved the unsuitable ones Wow what would my life be like.  I track my moods on moodscope and it helps me to take stock of how I am feeling on any particular time.  Today's thought for the day was to do things a little differently and I picked up on the idea to sit in a different chair.  We all get into routines, both good and bad.  the bad ones are more of a rut than a routine.  So today I did sit in a different chair, OK so I choose a different place a the table in a friends house but I make the effort none the less.

What is the point of this post I am beginning to wonder.  The point is maybe its time to try something different, to live in a way that I have not done before now. To live a life where I love me the most out of everyone.  To give myself the praise and devotion I have given to others.   To maybe take a walk in the opposite direction to my normal one, try a new activity, try a different outlook or point of view.  Maybe even  take a drive in a fast car, or even get that hammock I have hankered after for many years.

Happy middle of the night where ever you are.

Friday, 30 March 2012

Thursday, 29 March 2012

standing still in my red shoes

Today it was warm enough to put on my favourite red shoes.  They are open toes, sling back red patent leather wedge heeled pedro mirales shoes with a square silver buckle.  They are my favourite shoes.  They were kept for best wear until last summer when I was fairly broke and could not afford new shoes so they were down graded to everyday use.  I loooove my red shoes.  I was heading out of the office and I realised I was feeling a bit better.  I did not go to work in the morning as I still felt very foggy headed and was concerned that I might make a serious mistake or say something I should not.  But after I got dressed int my red shoes I felt braver.  I was getting into the lift when I saw my reflection in the mirror and I realised I looked well, no one would realise that I was a foggy brained mess.  My red shoes smiled at me and I started to hum the David bowie lets dance.  Sometimes it is enough to look as if we are OK , rather like the architectural concept that form follows function maybe ?

It is the pervading law of all things organic and inorganic, of all things physical and metaphysical, of all things human and all things superhuman, of all true manifestations of the head, of the heart, of the soul, that the life is recognisable in its expression, that form ever follows function. This is the law.

Sometimes the whole act as if things are OK and things will be OK escapes me but today I realised that sometimes its enough just to show up and make the effort and eventually things improve.  I met today's deadline, maybe if I had gone to work yesterday my brain would have been way too foggy to think clearly enough to do it.  Today's most important task was in fact a simple one but as I always say even rocket science is easy for a rocket scientist.  I know that there is always a solution to every problem, it is just a question of finding it.  I am currently looking for a solution to my daughters non attendance at school.  We seem to have reached a compromise with all concerned and that is enough for now.  Baby steps are enough for now.  We will get there in the end. 

Thank you universe for my lovely shoes, for the wonderful music, for the fine weather, solar flares (even if they are driving my crazy), the kids, the sea sand and even the dog poo.  Sometimes standing still is the best way to move forward.  So I persevere, I stand still for a moment just so that I can I keep going in my lovely red shoes.  

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

stop and listen

When I get stressed or overwhelmed my memory fails me, I become confused, I cannot think straight, I cannot put things in order and I generally start to make mistakes and do the wrong thing.  Over the last few weeks I have been feeling the strain of full time work and parenting alone.  I did the usual put one foot in front of the other but today those feet had had enough. I could not remember where my keys were.  My mind started to shut down and the mini meltdown happened.  

I am not getting my needed amount of peace and quiet.  I know that I need order and peace to fully recharge.  Memory is a funny thing.  I believed mine to be excellent and I have been proved wrong as it has failed me.  I need to do the real basics again.  Exercise, financial budgeting, good nutrition, fun, relaxation, avoid alcohol,  avoid late nights, get plenty of rest.  I need to be firm with people about my boundaries and expectations.  I need to be firm with myself about doing things that are in my best interest.  Most importantly I need to remember life is not a race, there is the time and space for me to do all the things I need to do.  Some times I just need to say STOP.  

It is time for me to take a little break and gather myself.  I need to take the time to stop and listen to what my body is saying to me.  Sometimes we all just need to say STOP.   So I did I stopped and now I am off to meditate to clear my foggy head and quieten my overactive mind. 

So stop and listen to yourself today and enjoy the lovely spring weather.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

just like that

Totally fabulous spring weather today.  For the last few weeks I have been reading lots of things about the use of medication in treating anxiety and depression.  For a long time I had a belief that I should be able to get better without the use of medication but yesterday as I finally realised that it was time to put that belief in the past.  The debate seems to be all about about addiction, it is about those doctors that just prescribe medication and not talking therapy and all the other things that are needed to keep a person well.  Needing to take antidepressants is not a character flaw my doctor says, my counsellor has come around to the idea that they are useful in the short term.  But what do I think.  Well for a few months I felt inadequate that I needed a crutch, that I am one of the people that they joke about, "go take your tablets you'll be ok" But I realised that I think I like feeling well.  I think that it does not matter why I am well it matters that I am.  Lots of things helped me get well and it is those that will keep me well.  I read a wonderful passage today about dealing with trivialities of life and our primarily value needs to be having a peaceful life for those of us sensitive anxious types a peaceful life is what is definitely needed.  So now I have some lovely music playing, some aromatherapy oils burning and a list of jobs to do to make my life peaceful.

Job one Train the dog not to bark so much .
Job 2 Clean the BBQ and burn some meat tonight

And just like that it is spring.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

still crazy and crocheting

I have been feeling the strain of life for the last few weeks.  Dear daughter rescued a dog.  I could hear my late father's voice echo through my brain as I said we could keep her, "Its everyone's dog until someone has to look after it", and yes now I have a dog. I am counting the weeks until we can walk her, and probably two more after that before we can let her off lead.  The poor thing has a fractured leg.  Consequently she is unsettled and I am not getting the sleep I need.  I have been going a little crazy again.  The whirring thoughts, the obsessing about things, feeling angry, blaming others, generally wanting to hide away, refusing to go out.  I still do all the things I need to do, I go to work but am not so effective, I help with the homework, I make some attempts to do housework.  So I just had to do something, some people take to the drink, drugs, strange religious cults, or worse still golf, but not me; I crochet.  

I have been saving a bag of old clothes to make into a rug.  This weekend I ripped and ripped and ripped.  I demolished around 10 t shirts, a few fleeces, and two rather expensive cardigans.  The dog now has a lovely rug to sleep on and I had the satisfaction of saving €50 on a dog bed plus of course a day of crocheting with the largest hook I own and the profound satisfaction of ripping so much stuff to shreds.  

Inspired by this I decided to order more wool from yarnparadise and started to crochet a lovely fluffy orange and purple and red poncho.  I am told I will not be allowed to wear it in public.  But you know what,    I remembered this years motto: crazy on the outside.  I know I need to behave in an appropriate way at appropriate times.  I need to dress conservatively for work.  But out there somewhere is a place where it is appropriate or even acceptable to wear a fluffy poncho, somewhere where it is ok to be crazy on the outside.  Crazy on the outside is important for me just so the craziness does not get locked inside, where it can fester and do damage.  I would love to go out dressed like zandra rhodes but somehow I think I might be committed!

So I will keep going with the crochet, as yet I do not follow any patterns so what evolves when I pick up a ball of wool is anyone's guess.  So maybe I get a little obsessed with it from time to time and have bags of wool everywhere but its a damn sight better than the alternatives.  It is better to take the whirr of my brain and translate it into the whirr of the crochet hook  rather than trying to unravel the crazy on the inside stuff.  

I suppose there is a point to this post somewhere, perhaps it is that it is important to make time just to do the simple things in life that give you pleasure.  That it is important to let the crazy out but in a safe way.  That time passes and things change.  Or that eventually there is a use for everything.  What ever the point is I have a lovely dog, curled up on the chair with me, snoring peacefully so maybe the point is that hard work is its own reward :-)

Happy Wednesday and happy crocheting. 

Sunday, 11 March 2012

time to get up and get going

Could sit around all day feeling grumpy but whats the point in that other than getting grumpier.  So I am off to clean up the trail of destruction the dog left yesterday , she tried to eat lots of loo roll, left a few presents, ate a load of driftwood, but thankfully not the other pets, so its all good.  Am going to take my grumpy old self off out and try to get over my disappointment with how things are going at the moment.  I had alot of reminders last week of the time before I melted down.  Being an analytically person I like to quantify things.  I identified 5 things that contributed to the meltdown.  Two of them were work related.  Mostly the root cause was my inability to communicate.  I now see others in the place I was two years ago and I see that many peoples patterns have not changed.  I am finding it hard not to fall back into my patterns.    I have moved forwards but the messages still reach me that I am not good enough.  Last week I felt quite a failure again.  The old messages started to come back, why cant you be more like x, look at what y has, look at all the money they earn, you cant look after yourself why did you get a dog.  All those things are other peoples stuff and I have forgotten to do then things that keep me well.  I was allowing myself to slip back into the role of victim so its time to shake it off.  

Last week brought loads of reminders of the bad times.  One of the things I find difficult to do is to say no firmly in a way where people do not keep pushing me and I get upset or angry.  I worked for the last few months on getting up early and having a stress free start to the day.  I think it is time to learn to say no to others and yes to me. I wonder how that will work out for me. But here it goes again. 

So it will be loads of no my work programme is closed for the year there is no spare capacity to take on new projects, no you cant go out until you have all your homework done, no you cant have €20 for a new book.  And hopefully there will be some yes I would love to go out for lunch, yes I would like to go for coffee, yes you can invite your friends over for dinner, yes I will help you to do xy or z because I have time now.  What else can I say yes to I wonder.  So for this week, no means I put myself first and yes means I put myself first.  

Friday, 9 March 2012

why cant i blame someone else for a change

I am hopping angry at the moment.  In one of those mood where I just want to tell everyone to f off and leave me alone, one of those moods where I want someone else to blame for everything.  I am in what I call a running away mood.  We all get them I am told.  The rescued dog has decided to play ball with the fruit and veg, yesterday it was oranges, that was ok now it is onions.  Its hard to reason with a dog the oranges well that ok but onions its not.  I have a daughter whos dog it is who wont go to school, is it illness, is it bullying, is it just plane cant be bothered, is it just pushing the boundaries???????????  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

My therapist practices reality therapy where we are responsible for everything in our own lives.  Just today I would like to blame someone for things, just this once.  Yes I had my daughter, I chose that, yes I let her keep the dog, I choose that, yes I work , I choose that.  But why cant I choose to just say hey world just today can I please blame you.    I think its time to walk off my anger and stop directing it inwards.  Maybe I need to rage a little for a while.  Maybe this is what I need to work on, not forgiveness but on anger and what is behind it. Mybe its time to form a punk band for angry mammies, we could call it grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.   Imagine a bunch of angry middle aged mammies jumping around (support bras permitting of course) yelling and screaming: my boss is making life so tough, my daughter stays in bed now that is rough, I havent been out  in almost an month I want to call everyone a silly ....., hmmmm. So instead I will do as I always do go for a walk, go for a swim, go back to work and prepare for my next project, have another cup of tea and offer it up as my great aunt would say and just keep on plodding along, put daughter under house arrest, book her another therapy appointment and take the dog for obedience classes, yes I do know that its me they are training but there you go.

So today remember its ok to be angry its what you do with it that causes problems.  I am off to take the onions off the dog before the house smells of dog poo, teenagers  and onions, not a good combination, I am also going to use the energy of my anger for good.  Time to do a big spring clean and work it all off.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

perfect day

There are days that are perfect.  I had one like the one in the song many years ago and today it is similar.

Today I realised that I have finally given myself permission to be myself.  We can all create our perfect day.  I work on being average but a little perfection does not go astray once in a while.  It was one of those domesticated weekends, nothing special to do, just cooking dinner, cleaning, drying loads of sheets and towels on the washing line in the beautiful spring weather, feeling well, coping well and generally not pushing myself or lazing around too much.  In all a weekend where I unwound and enjoyed just one perfect day. 

So today remember to enjoy those moments like this and on those less than perfect days remember that time passes and there are always more perfect moments to look forward to.  Nothing like the smell of fresh air dried sheets to get into at night.  That is the perfect moment I look forward to today. 
Happy Sunday 

Thursday, 1 March 2012

just one thing

I was asked today what one thing helped me get better and just now it occurred to me that it was realiseing that I could get better.   I had lots of limiting beliefs that I relinquished and I relapsed them with positive ones.  Believing that you will get better, that it is possible might seem a step too far when you are in the depths of despair.  I was fortunate to hear a woman speak about her stuff on morning tv and she inspired me to believe that I would recover.  Now I feel better than ever and I believe that by working on my ongoing wellness I will continue to improve.  So again, my teenage daughter is running me ragged, my youngest one is starting to follow suit and I realised this time its not stress its strain.  It is a strain to keep patient, to just keep going.  So its time to tap back into the belief that not only will things improve, its an opportunity for me to grow further.  Go back to basics and keep doing the things that work.  The just on thing I am working on at the moment is having breakfast every day.  So far I am succeeding.  It is important to acknowledge the small things as well as the big.    Sometimes its the little things that make the great things possible.

Happy St. Davids Day, a bit of Tom Jones to celebrate the day that's in it, iechyd da.
So today what is the one thing that you can do for you on a daily basis that will make your life happier and easier.

feburary photo scavanger hunt


black and white

crowded with daffs, but morbidly enough its a famine grave and there is no way of knowing how many people ended up there

not quite cupid but I bet he wishes he was

empty carpark, empty offices, empty wallets

gave up trying to find leap, so on 29th I was having well deserved tea and yummy cake and thought ah ha food and leap

love: I love my blankie, I love wool, I love getting into bed after a long day and snuggling up 

Music: At the age of 13 I played 3 blind mice on the bells of shandon , such fun 

Heritage: Shandon steeple Cork

was trying to photograph the geese as they were grazing when some more flew over

train: am really pushing it here, took this from the track(where the train used to go)

Thank you once again to Kathy for hosting this.  Its nice to be aware of our surroundings and nice to see all the other lovely interpretations of the themes.

  • 5
  • Black and white
  • Crowded
  • Cupid
  • Empty
  • Food
  • Heritage
  • In the Sky
  • Leap Year
  • Love
  • Music
  • train