Could sit around all day feeling grumpy but whats the point in that other than getting grumpier. So I am off to clean up the trail of destruction the dog left yesterday , she tried to eat lots of loo roll, left a few presents, ate a load of driftwood, but thankfully not the other pets, so its all good. Am going to take my grumpy old self off out and try to get over my disappointment with how things are going at the moment. I had alot of reminders last week of the time before I melted down. Being an analytically person I like to quantify things. I identified 5 things that contributed to the meltdown. Two of them were work related. Mostly the root cause was my inability to communicate. I now see others in the place I was two years ago and I see that many peoples patterns have not changed. I am finding it hard not to fall back into my patterns. I have moved forwards but the messages still reach me that I am not good enough. Last week I felt quite a failure again. The old messages started to come back, why cant you be more like x, look at what y has, look at all the money they earn, you cant look after yourself why did you get a dog. All those things are other peoples stuff and I have forgotten to do then things that keep me well. I was allowing myself to slip back into the role of victim so its time to shake it off.
Last week brought loads of reminders of the bad times. One of the things I find difficult to do is to say no firmly in a way where people do not keep pushing me and I get upset or angry. I worked for the last few months on getting up early and having a stress free start to the day. I think it is time to learn to say no to others and yes to me. I wonder how that will work out for me. But here it goes again.
So it will be loads of no my work programme is closed for the year there is no spare capacity to take on new projects, no you cant go out until you have all your homework done, no you cant have €20 for a new book. And hopefully there will be some yes I would love to go out for lunch, yes I would like to go for coffee, yes you can invite your friends over for dinner, yes I will help you to do xy or z because I have time now. What else can I say yes to I wonder. So for this week, no means I put myself first and yes means I put myself first.