Sunday, 14 August 2011

Today I went for a walk and this song was echoing around in my head for some reason.  I went out without my camera, dogs, children or anything.  I went out with my hands hanging as we say here.  No keys no phone, no handbag, just me ( i was clothed).
Tuesday will be my first day working for nine months, three seasons almost four have passed since my episode started.  It is now over and I am well.  It is strange to live again.  Yesterday I cooked dinner with a few new ingredients.  When the kids liked it and asked me to make it just that way again I realised I Could not so we had to guess what the secrete ingredients were in the dinner.  I usually say love is the secret ingredient in anything but actually it was mango chutney and milk in this case.  I suppose the main reason I started to ponder love is all you need is that love was missing from my life for so long, at least a feeling of love was.  Not the romantic kind or the sexual kind but the real motherly love kind needed to raise happy and contented children.  Motherly love was missing from me as a teenager and I did not know how to be a mother to my teenage daughter but it is no different from being a mother to a toddler or a baby.  I would not expect a baby to know everything so why did I expect he to know, indeed why did I expect myself to know.  So now I allow my self the space to love my children to say when I am feeling a little stressed.  to remind people that I am no longer superwoman and that role I played was just that I was never superwoman.  Now I am just me again.  I like to go wandering off down the track to the strand looking at flowers and insects and of course the bunnies.  I like to balance rocks when I need peace in my mind.  I have found a place where I don't have to worry and I am happy there.    There are good and bad days now.  I even get bored sometimes but I love myself unconditionally and I love my children without limits and expectations.  I connected with my mothering side last weekend as I listened to my own mother compare how my sister in law mothered her baby compared to how I mothered mine.  I listened to the negative comparisons mostly and realised that I needed to acknowledge that I am a good mother.  I might not be the most conventional one but thats ok.  I can never fit into the ideal of other peoples expectations and I no longer want to of try to.  I love being free to be myself and instead of regretting the lost months and years I will enjoy each moment of my life.  

Without the past there would be no present and without the present there will be no future.  Last night I finished the main part of my memory blanket.  I started a new colour completely and it is lovely.  All the remains now is to put on the fringe and find some suitable wool to complete the top section.  that may take some time.  I am starting a new crochet project now and looking forward to a new phase of life.  I am so glad I wrote this blog to help me recover.  I am now well and have reached my goal of returning to work.  I hope to enjoy a pleasant and fruitful time in this new phase of my life.  the first leaf fall occured here on Tuesday, the maple tree across the road shed some of its rust coloured leaves.  I felt a little sad to be leaving behind summer and spring and my time of peace and quite.  Then i spotted so many teenager creaturs this week, stoats, crows, heroins, swallows and realise that life is a cycle an in autumn we reap the benifits of a summer well spent.  I hope I do and i hope I stay well and remember all the lessons I have learned over the past year.  

Happy Sunday so off I go to recreate yesterdays dinner made with love.  Almost impossible but worth a try. 

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