Saturday, 20 August 2011

steal away , putting my soul back together

had a very strange realisation today.  I was thinking about what my perfect world would be.  Reality therapy believes that there are three worlds, your world, the real world, and the quality world.  I started having the weird sensation again today where I know my brain is slightly overloaded.  This is very odd and I have learned how to run with the feeling, stay with it and work to uncover what I need to realise.  Generally the feeling precedes a realisation for me.  I don't know what but I need to prize it out as it is hard for me to focus when I get like this.  What I really need is to slow down, relax meditate, take a bath, play some music and be alone to let the feelings and thoughts surface by them selves.  Instead I am off to a barbecue and need to round up the posse and head away.  I started to have the feeling as I opened the windows in someones house.  I was helping him move and I opened the windows to let the air out and in.  I remarked that I like to leave a house totally clean when I leave because if I don't I feel like I have left part of my soul  behind.  And then it hit me.  The last time I moved I did just that.  I left no trace that I had been there.  But when my ex-husband had been looking after the previous moves as I had just had a baby, he did not.  I always felt that I had never fully disconnected with my former home and last night I dreamt of it and of some of the people I had lost contact with over my life.  It was a very odd dream.   Yesterday I was contacted by someone I had not met in around 15 years.  It was odd and triggered a load of feelings for me.  I was amazed that there were no negative ones as I had a different life plan 15 years ago than I have now.  In those days I was more concerned with my world and the quality world.  For the last year I was trying to find the real world for the first time in my life.  I no longer had any link to a quality world or even the real world for perhaps the last 4 years.  Now I realise that all three need to be in balance for me to be well.  So while in live my life in the real world I shall dream of the quality world.  For me it will be full of new things to explore and populated with kind and gentle souls who only have my best interests at heart.  If you expect the best then maybe you will get the best.  
So I am off to ponder if this is what I am in the process of realiseing.  It was just things that got left behind and not my soul, what is the sense of loss that is coming out now I wonder, which part of my past is trying to release itself from my subconscious.  I hope its not the bad one that just surfaces but never becomes fully clear, I feel that I never want to know that one.  It is over 20 years since it first started to surface and I have no idea what it is.  Maybe one day I might but when it starts to surface I feel very scared and right now I am not ready for that on  a conscious level.  Perhaps I need to let it come out maybe it is not so bad at all,  So many things I feared never were scary in reality maybe this one is not.  Time perhaps to let the losses I do not remember resurface and give my head a little peace.  

Wish me well place and send me plenty of happy thought today, as I need them.  

This is the song that I heard today that triggered the sense of loss.  Maybe it is something as simple of when I lived abroad and huge sense of turmoil that was going on for me as I matured in my early 20s who knows but it is non the less a great song.  I did the endless trawl for a job in 1988 and went to London with so many others.  It was such fun but sometimes I wonder if I had stayed in Ireland and followed my heart what would my life have been like.  I do not regret my choice now as I accept myself bit think I need to put my choice in context and forgive myself for not knowing that I did not have to have all the answers.  Maybe that is what I need to realise I need to acknowledge that I might not have followed the great plan but not I at least know what it is to be truly alive.   

Happy Saturday, today I will be venturing forth camera less as I cannot find my charger , hope I know how to live without it.  

And here it is finally the realiseation.  I have healed my mind and now I need to heal my soul.  So I start a new journey to reconnect the bits of my soul that I have left all over the world with so many people, place and things.  It will be a fun new journey to piece it all back together.

This is the first thing that that comes to mind wonder what its all about. Omg hope I am not turning religious.

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