I have been mostly feeling abandonment over the last week. Today I made a major connection with my feelings of abandonment, I had no clue of course as usual where this is comming from, until I heard this song on the radio. Revival struck a chord with me. We all experience loss in out lives. When I was very young my father lost a close member of his family. I was in awe of Eddie a little as he told hilarious stories. He was an archelogist who embroidered his tales of how he discovered many things, including the elk in the local museum. I never realised that I also experienced the loss too until today. Something was missing in my life as a result of his passing. Since I have been searcing for the cause of my feeling of abandonment loads of losses came up for me, my father , my grandfather , my aunt, my cousin, and my toy duck. As a child I lost my toy duck and eventually found out that my mother gave it away in a big clearout of toys, That was strange as she never realised how much I loved it. I suppose it is more a sense of incompleteness rather than loss. Something missing in my life. Recently I was identifying with stories of people realeaseing losses from childhood when much older adults. My grandfather, my dads favourite cousin and my duck were all lost around the same time. When we loose things it is only natural that we search for them. Maybe it is when we accept that they are gone that we can move on.
I have also been feeling that awful post shock weakness recently. I have been looking at ways of reviving myself, nothing seemed to be working until last night. I realised that one of my sofas was never used and puzzeled over this for a while. I decided thast it was because it was too high. So I decided to saw an inch off the legs, the children were out, my visitor was gone and I was alone to saw away to my hearts content. While doing this one of my daughters friends walked in looking for her, and saw me sawing the legs off the upturned sofa. I got a fit of the giggles as I realised how odd I looked. The sofa legs are a bit crooked but the sentiment was correct almost comfy sofa now. This morning I realised that what revives me is being myself, accepting that I matter and that even young children feel loss, as I did.
Just as we loose others and things so too do we loose ourselves. We become ghosts of our dreams and ambitions wraiths, insubstantial beings, drudges and depressed because we loose ourselves. For a few weeks I was trying to fit into the mold again of the woman who does not cry at funerals (my mothers belief that showing emotion in public is undignified), the child who does not ask akward questions or any questions( my teachers belief that I must not question the priests opinions as he is an important man whose views should not be questioned) , the child who is seem and not heard, the engineer who is expected to do six months work in six weeks because she always tries to do the impossible, the mother who is expected not to react to her teenage daughters behavior( good advise but emotioanlly draining) , the friend who asserts her own needs,For once putting myself first with someone who expects me to put way down on the list of priorities ) and the mother who needs is expected to be like other mothers and act less weird.
Its small wonder I need reviving.
The dictionary tells me that revive means to live again. So often we loose ourselves and go through the motions. It is so important for our well-being that we take heed of this behavior and remember that we are the most important people in our lives. Our life is a gift for us to enjoy and perhaps it is time for me to take my own advice and live my life for me.
I am off to paint the pourch instead of doing the washing because I know that it will help revive me.
Happy Monday, so off you go today and do some fun thing that will remind you how much fun there is to be had in the world.