Thursday, 27 October 2011

love the life you live

Hanging Heart Plaque

I went for a wander around the shops this evening and came across the quote" live the life you love "
on a wooden heart in Next.   I have just finished my weekly counselling session and am now moving to fortnightly sessions, yeah me, so I went for a quick wander around the shops before going home.  I was reflecting on how far I have come in the last year.  Today I set a meeting with for the 17th of November and it took me a few hours to realise the significance of the date.  It was the official first day off work with my episode.  Almost a year.  I had a meeting with my work mentor, who is now training to be a life coach and I am his guinea pig so to speak.  Generally I don't speak about my episode with my colleagues except in a very matter of fact way but today I shared my experience of memory loss with a few people.  

My memory has almost fully returned.  I have been able to think clearly and analyse data for the first time in ages this week.    I really was having a reflective day when I saw the wall art (so named by Next).  I keep phrases like that in my diary, they are cliche, but i love kitsch and cliches are my kind of philosophy.  One I refer to all the time is:what would I do if I were really in control of my life.  I add to it from time to time.  so far I have all the usual stuff; work part time, move house, get a bike, play music, dance, save money, get a cleaner. loose weight, be happy.  but tonight I added one more, Live the life I love, Love the life I live.  

As I walked out of my councellers house into the pitch dark I saw the stars shining intensely.  There is a new moon and a clear sky and tonight was the best stray night in ages.  I am so happy that I can walk out into the lovely frosty night air and be happy to be alive and to love the life I live.  It is around a year since I look down the other way; off the edge of a cliff not so far from there and wondered if I would die or just be injured if I jumped.  The incessant worries and panicked thoughts were just spinning around in my brain until they took me over completely to the exclusion of everything else.  I thought that my thoughts were reality.  My life is not so different now but my attitude is and so is my confidence, self worth and self acceptance.  I also know that my feeling are not reality, feelings are not facts as they say in recovery training and much of life is just trivialities.  So much of how we feel is due to how we perceive things.  

I never understood just how much we do create our own reality until I look a little step away from it, well maybe a medium sized step.  Now instead of worrying if I am living up to other peoples standards I set my own.  I have learned what it is to be average, and very nice it is too, I have learned how to listen and how to express myself.  All in all I am giving myself a very well deserved pat on the back.  We only get one life ( depending on you philosophy or religious views) we might as well decide to be happy as be miserable.  

So give your self a pat on the back for just being you and love the life you live. 

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