I had an epiphany, not just a realiseation, for most of my life I didn't mind. Thats OK I would say, oh Ill do that myself , we can do it another time, don't worry about me ill be fine. Now I am reasonably assertive and prone to wanting my own way but if given a sob story my natural kindness would kick in and I would fall for it. BUT NO MORE. I had one of the weirdest weeks of my life for a while. I had a light to Damascus moment in my kitchen when I discovered the shocking quality of work someone was trying to palm off on me. I got more in that moment than in all the tapping, meditating etc I have been doing. My counseller says to me on a regular basis when you do not stay with yourself that is when you get in trouble. I really did not own and feel that. Yes I had all the I matter stuff intellectually but I could never answer the question , how do show you matter. Now I realised it. Some things are far from ok. Some things that are far from ok I have tolerated for years. Now I can see that held me back. This last week I have become aware of so much of the daily manipulation I let was over me. Why did I give people the impression that I didn't matter. As my friend said the other day remember there is a girl called Jane there too. When I was in my early twenties my friend cancelled a night out we had planned as her boyfriend turned up unexpectedly. I really did not mind. But her Dad did, he told me that I should mind and that what she did was not ok. I puzzled over that for years well Dave I you were right. My friend kept doing that and we are no longer friends. It was because I could not express my hurt at being taken for granted. Now every time I hear someone say thats ok I cringe. Some times it is not and I need to recognise that. I love all things sparkley and when I am well I like to think of myself as sparkly. I lost my sparkle this time last year. Over the last few days people have started to remark about how well I look and today I caught a glimpse of the old sparkly me in the mirror. Maybe its my new eye cream, maybe its my three days sleep, maybe its something else, maybe I am finally learning how to be true to myself and not allow others to control me anymore.
I have been thinking all week of what I can do to add ease to my life. I thought of a lovely chair to sit in while I crochet or read. I spotted this chair in a magazine and immediately thought of the Mammy bears chair that I always wanted. I always wondered as a child how any chair could be too soft. I hope to find/or recreate this beautiful thing for this mammy. So I pulled out lots of old clothes and fabrics to see what I can cannibalise to cover an old chair. I have lots of pieces of fabric chopped up now in the hope I will be inspired to form something as lovely as that.
So go off and listen to yourself and others this week. How often do you show people that you don't matter to yourself when you accept anything but what is best for you and for your well being. What ever you do this week do it for yourself and do it with passion. A life without passion is a life not lived.