Tuesday, 26 July 2011

where to now, the joys of getting lost

Well the day is soon dawning that I will be returning to work.  I started to feel like I was on holidays this week and realised that I am feeling well enough to do most things, including work again.  I still find dates difficult and pondered on this today. Why do I need to keep everything in my head, why do I feel the need to have perfect recall.  What used to be normal for me is no longer normal.  I used to be stressed all the time, I used to take things a bit tooo seriously, I used not to have fun, I lived a very compartmentalised life.  I felt that was normal for me.  I did not value my life, myself, my children, my friends, my talents, my skills, or my money.  Today I gained new insights into how my life is different and how I need to remember I am different now.  I have been thinking about the possibility that I will self sabotage but today I realised that will be difficult for me to do.  I have no longer got a defined picture of who I must be or where I am going.  Generally I find the most interesting places when I get lost.  I generally allow an extra hour on long journeys for getting lost time, as I frequently get lost.  Maybe I need to add a little getting lost time to my life in general.  Where would I be now if I had not got a little lost, still in that gloomy place never having fun or enjoying the wonderful things life has to offer.  So what if it is all a little mundane.  To me the mundane is a reminder that I am alive and well and able to do the small things in life that really matter.  Reading bedtime stories, making hot chocolate and doing it with love.  I am so glad now that I sought help when I did, and even happier still that I accepted help and it worked.  It is just over a year since I started to slip down the slope of depression, desperately trying to hold onto my sanity and find a way out.  I lost my grip.  The slide down was very very unpleasant but I did not know what was happening or how to stop it.  Now I have developed a huge range of new skills that I am confident that I will recognise the signs, I trust my instincts that I will be able to prevent the huge slide I had.  And most importantly I have put down my baggage and I now live a life unencumbered by guilt.  
So I am off to bed to dream happy dreams of tidal powered desalination plants, bubble machines, balanced rocks and the perfect carrot cake.  My main failing in life currently is my inability to bake carrot cake and keep the house tidy and long may that continue. 

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