I have moments of confusion. I feel like I am in a cloud and I cannot see or feel anything around me. A cloud of confusion descended on me the other day. I learned to recognise the confusion a few months ago and found a way of working through it with inner child conversations. This time it did not work. This time I worked through the confusion by expressing my confusion and difficulties to anyone who expected me to work to their time-frame. I gave myself the time I needed to get through this. I took things slowly and focused on how I felt.
I returned to the wonderful book of Dr. Claire Weekes. Early in the episode I lost my ability to read. I could not concentrate on the words and I could not remember what I read so it seemed pointless to read. I still bought books. I even forgot that I bought some of them and found them as I got well again. The only book I could read at all was Self Help for the nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. It was simple, practical and repetitive. Pretty much a few basic concepts repeated over and over again in different ways. AND a description of how I was feeling, I was amazed at first that there were other people who experienced this and there were people who understood how to help us recover. I carried her book around all the time and became quite agitated if I could not find it. For me it was like a rabbits foot, a good luck charm, an amulet or talisman, a compass to point me towards a future, a future in which I would be well again. She gave me hope and without hope I would never have recovered.
So now I recognise when I am lacking in direction, energy and focus. Time becomes a little meaningless. Dates elude me. I need help staying on track. Home caring suffers and I do not cook properly. This time I was fully aware of how I felt. I knew I had commitments to fulfill and I focused on those. I asked for help and I explained to others what my limits were. I recall how I used to behave when I felt like this. I pushed myself and MADE myself do things. Usually by telling myself I should do this or that, and that this is how I must do things. I heard my mother say those things to me this week. If I were trying to fix a physical problem I would not resort to forcing it. If the round peg would not fit in the square I would not bash it with a hammer until it did. If I had a machine in need of oil and maintenance I would not try to get it to work more efficiently by forcing it to work faster. So why do that to myself. I am far more complex than a round peg in a square and yet I treated myself far worse. The bubble metaphor I found to help me connect with Dr Weekes principal of floating is something I return to alot. In moments of confusion I blow bubbles. A little crazy sounding but this bubble therapy worked for me and as I still have children I can at least give a nod in the direction of normality by pretending the bubble are for them. There was a bubble wand abandoned in the garden when I went out to have my breakfast there yesterday. I tried to blow bubbles but it did not work. I gave up and felt that there was something the matter with me. Then I went back into kitchen and spotted another bubble wand and tried again. This time loads of beautiful rainbow bubbles. The mixture in the first one had gone off. Wow what a realiseation. It was not me at all. I suppose it dawned on me that it I am not responsible for everything. And so I could go on and get going. I ended up having such a fun day and I was able to explain to the children what my limitations were. We could not do all the things they wanted to do that day but we could enjoy the things we did do and a great day ensued. By being patient with myself and accepting my limitations I floated through the day. I also showed the children that we all have limits and no one is perfect. So what that I did not get my daughter to the early bus, but she still got the bus. Instead of being unhappy and upset on the early bus she was happy and calm on the late one and went off on her visit grounded and centered knowing that I love her enough to listen to her. So what that we did not go on the rides at the festival but we did go to the festival and concert and had a great time. There is time to do all the other things. I do not have to do everything at once. I am trying easier again as trying harder is silly and ineffective. I learned how to reduce my stress and ask for help and I know that I do not have to stay in a helpless place. My children and their friends do not need me to be a rigid Sargent major constantly checking if we are on time and if we have worked hard enough. I am a mother first and foremost and I have reconnected with my mission of creating happy memories and rearing contented confident children. I found an astonishingly limiting belief I had around motherhood and let it go this week. It did take some time to refocus but here I am now. Out of the cloud of fluffiness and taking the time to enjoy the journey.
So today give yourself the time you need to work at your own pace and stop taking a hammer to crack and egg. Life is for living not just for getting through and surviving. Once I left survival mode and realised that I could have fun my life became a thing to treasure not something to waste or something that I could dispose of readily.
I suppose the most valuable lesson I have learned is not to take it all so seriously and have some fun. Forget about the usual role models, The Pope, the Dali Lama, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Eisenstein, Plato, Rembrandt, Michael Angelo, Let Jedward bring you the inspiration for your life. Let your hair down (or gel it up in this case), just have a laugh and don't take your own dear self too seriously
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