Tuesday, 26 March 2013

its all about them

well thank god that is over. 

 'Its all fine now ' my mother says,  'but well ...yesterday your dad had heart attack ....but its all fine now.' or 'your bother broke his leg... but its all fine now', or 'the house burnt down.... but its all fine now'.  This is how she delivers bad news.  And yes it is all fine now but it wasn't.  

I have a minor existential crisis over that last few days.  I forgot my tools and my good sense.  I allowed other peoples views impinge on me  and forgot to trust myself.  I shared something that made me happy with a friend who decided that this was not something that was OK and told me so in a way that was meant to be positive but instead deeply hurt me.  Instead of remembering that so often, feedback tells you more about them than it does about you.  
It is important to look at the evidence before passing judgement.  So I did.  The evidence is very solid.  I am happy now than I have been in ages.  I am happy with what I have.  Other people want more, some people want less. I am satisfied by what I have.  One day I might not be and then it will be time to make changes.  My brother said to me recently that other peoples rules are something they put in place to control us.  I am living a relatively rule free uncontrolled existence.  I finally learnt how to please myself.  I have strong morals.  I behave in an ethical way.  I know my values. I am free to live my life that way that I want. 

I had the most awful pain in my tummy for the last few days as I allowed the what if scenario of someone else invade my brain.  I tried my old faithful tool, my tarot cards, they told me that I was creating a far more frightening reality that in fact existed.  sometimes when i am blocked I use them to free up my mind to other scenarios and release subconscious feelings and thoughts. all I could see there was that yes I was really happy, and that despite this I was imagining all sorts of what if scenarios.  

I have made great progress in the last few years now instead of holding in all my bad thoughts I shared them with people I felt would never judge me.  And my trust was rewarded.  by seeking out those who truly want only what is best for me, by talking to those who are very much OK with who they are I reaffirmed that it was OK to be me and that if I think I am happy then I am happy. 

So today realise that you are the only one in control of your life.  It is you and you alone that decides what is right and wrong for you.  Most certainly accept feedback but be discerning find and act on what's useful, then discard the rest. Remember its almost always more about them than it is about you.  I am enough as I am. 

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