Monday, 25 March 2013

Sometimes I wonder

I have been unspeakably tired and unwell for the last few days. I have taken to my bed. I feel like I am fighting off one of the many viruses and bugs going around but my body I neither getting better nor worse. I just need loads and loads of sleep. I sometimes wonder why it is I do not allow myself to trust myself to know what's best for me, why it is I need someone else's permission. Today I had a bit of a wobble, the first one in months. Last week I visited the college I wanted to go to, in fact the one I had expected to Ho to when I was young. I found myself back at age 16 the same age as my duughter wondering what my life would have been like had I gone there. I remembered what I expected to be like now when I was 16, certainly much slimmer, long greying hair, very very tanned and wester beaten, long flowing skirts, surrounded by goats children and men . I would be some kind of potter or artist living in an artists commune in Greece on an island full of goats olive trees and handsome Greek men. It looked very like the island in the film of mama Mia. Moreover I am deeply serene and extraordinarily happy, no wrinkles of course ! Well some of it is true, I live by the sea, one of my dreams, I have children, but no goats, I am way more middle aged in my current reality and up until 8 o clock this morning would have said I was in fact very happy. The evil free floating anxiety started to hit me. It always does when I try to push myself too much. The physical effort of trying to get up when feeling unwell made me panic . And then I opened the door to all the other evils, the self doubt, the inadequacy I often feel , the critical voice in my head, the judgemental voice if others, the fear of not being good enough, only surpassed by the great of being too good. Wow I am some mess I thought. Who would ever want me ? I berated myself for being so proud with myself for achieving do much over the last few years. I told myself that all the critics were right. That my lifestyle is wrong, that I should be more like everyone else. That I should give up my silly ideals and just accept I am an abject failure and a worthless person. I really did have a big old wallow with my old favourites the hippos of discontent. Eventually I slept , I let nature and my best friend take their time and bring me around.  I had to get up to go grocery shopping, something I had not done for a week. I realised that I was not eating properly, that I was not exercising properly, that I was not being my own best friend. Yes I have work to do , yes I have kids to mind but I also have a responsibility to myself.  I reminded myself of the fact that I must treat me as I would treat my best friend. So I sent a txt and asked for help and help duly arrived in the form of a kick up the bum. Get out of bed and take yourself and the mutt for a walk in the fresh sea air it said . Later I said . Now it said . Big brother knows best I think so I eventually did just that. Kill or cure I thought as I took myself off at dusk, me and the mutt and what looked like Brent geese alone on the mile of sandy loveliness. Omg it certainly was bracing, freezing is a better word. I reminded myself of the time I ran into the sea in the freezing cold two weeks before my meltdown . It was one of the few moments of peace I had that month, running through the freezing water trying to stop my mind from overheating.   Doggus woggus lived it too she  ran like someone left the gate open . I love my dog, I love my life, I love myself. Life may not have turned out as I imagined but I think the 16 year old me could forgive me for that. Finally I am letting go of the past and the hurt  and being brave. As a wise man keeps saying the past is a nice place to visit but not a nice place to live.  My mission to make my life easier and happier may have had a setback but it has helped me let go of more baggage. And soon there will be none left :)

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