Monday, 18 March 2013

Just when you think it's all over

I was reflecting that I no longer needed to blog as I was well. Pride comes before a fall as the saying goes. A close friend is having some health issues and I am at a total loss about what to do. I wanted to hop in the car and drive the three hours to make sure she was not alone, she was taken to hospital last night. I realised that I would be of no use to her or myself or anyone else if I did that as I would exhaust myself totally. The guilt was astonishing. The worry was disturbing. I felt overwhelmed and did not know what to do. So I went back to basics I rang a friend who is good in a crises and she reminded me of how hospitals are the best place for people who are ill, that it is not possible to make a good decision without the full facts, that what I think is the right thing to do may not be and I was in a very subjective place. My wellness tools kicked in also. I know that after a shock I need to be physically active , the total opposite of my natural reaction which is to freeze. The activity helps me calm down and my preferred choice of activity is cleaning. You see immediate results and as I hate cleaning it is easy to find somewhere to clean. This morning I woke up feeling a bit worn out and realised I felt guilty that I did not go to her immediately. It was totally impractical and I knew I had to let that go or I would end up hiding under the duvet. So a few minutes of total relaxation helped. I realised I was dehydrated so I am having a few glasses of water and I know that I had a busy day yesterday doing way more than I had planned so I recognised that I was feeling genuine tiredness. I still have limiting beliefs. It is hard to let go of them. Stepping over the limiting beliefs is hard but I must do that so I can grow.  The last few days were a hiatus if calm in my life. I felt at peace totally. I   Lived for so long in a drama filled environment that it became the norm. I came across the concept of excited misery many years ago. It is where we get our pleasure from the bad things that happen. We recreate the pattern of drama and stress in our lives because we ate used to it and it is the norm. I love my calm life now. I love waking up and looking forward to the nice things that life brings. I remember the feeling of waking up and feeling sick wondering how I would get through the day. So today I will cut myself slack, I will do the things that keep me well. I will resist the temptation to hide under the duvet. I will be kind to myself and accept the latest challenge life had offered me.  I will take the opportunity to reflect on how far I have come. I have to look after myself first and foremost and that is such a hard thing for me to do. I started to blog as a means to track my recovery and keep a record as my memory was very poor. Rereading it on Saturday made me realise that when I trust myself and do the things I hate to do and fear the most then I move forward and built resilience. Re building resilience is my main goal in my recovery as it was lack resilience that caused my episode. So I will not push myself out of bed now . I will have another glass of water, relax and enjoy the last hour of relaxation before it is time to tackel  the housework.
It is time for me to accept I am not being selfish by not working to the point of exhaustion. Rest is an essential part of life. I shall take my cue from the dog who is occupying the best spot on my bed , curled up fully relaxed trusting in the universe that she will be taken care if.
So today put your trust in yourself. Trust yourself to know what the right thing is. Trust yourself, love yourself and pat yourself on the back for just being you.
Happy Monday . 

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