I puzzle over things alot, I wonder why and wish I had the answers. It helps to talk to like minded people who can help you on life's journey. The older and wiser types Those that do know better. I had the revelation that yes I might have a few odd ideas and yes I am a tad weird at times, however I am not alone in that. It is nice to meet other like minded souls and see that there is a very rich and varied world out there. I engaged in a world record attempt at the weekend. It was pretty awesome , I love the totally absurd things like the most combine harvesters in one field or the most people dressed as nuns or smurfs kinda bizarre buts its all in a days fun. Fun can mean anything and it can be sadly lacking in our lives. I think I am currently mostly exploring the confining nature of conventional society at present and wonder why I felt the need to conform to other peoples ideals which are so very at odds with mine. My current goal is to find my freedom and live like someone left the door open. This weekend I did for a brief few hours do just that and the lingering feeling of joy has now been replaced by the question, what stops me from living a life of joy, self expression and as always its the same answer; its me.
I have crammed more into the last few weeks than I would normally attempt. So I will live by my primary rule respect and now I have a second one; fun. I shall be engaging in all manner of entertaining and fun stuff and now I know what makes me tick I can just keep on doing more of the same. So today go off and have a laugh, so something silly and remember to play by your own rules. You have one life so live it for yourself.
I am currently reading cesar millans book on being a good pack leader. MJ is pure breed boxer. She was found my ED and we have her for quite a few months now. She is fundamentally a wonderful creature and having her in my life was a real turning point. His point so far is about keeping things in balance, allowing the dog to be a dog and to satisfy the dogs needs as an animal and a dog according to the breed. Wow if only I could buy a book like that on being human. Currently MJ is playing with a tennis ball as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, thus satisfying her prey drive. Occasionally she brings to me to play with it too but she is happy just to be here with me, the pack leader, having a bit of playtime.
I was not brought up with dogs and was in fact terrified of them. I did not understand them at all until I met my X his dog was fairly cross and I eventually learned to master the dog. MJ is totally different, she has a fundamentally sweet nature and is about 1% as intelligent as the old dog. Still we are getting there with her.
As always somewhere in this drivel is a point. The point is that we need to be true to ourselves and our nature. I did quite a few personality tests to see if I could decipher who I was and discovered that I was the INFJ type, turns out I was trying to live against my basic personality type for years, same as if my prey driven hunter dog who needs hours of exercise was tied up in a small back garden all day long.
I am glad my mind shut down and made me realise that we need to live as our true nature dictates in order for us to live happy and fulfilling lives. Although I dont have a career deemed suitable for my personality type I have many outside interests in my life that are.
If I were a dog I think I would be Labrador although in my mind I am an afghan hound.
So as always be yourself 'cos if you cant be yourself who can you be!
Yesterday was the best day of the summer. We finally got a chance to put up the tent. We made plans this year to go camping for my daughters significant birthday she will be twelve, but the summer has proved to be very very wet, without too many dry patches. Yesterday I grabbed the opportunity to put the second hand tent we bought earlier in the summer. Being the cautious type I decided it was best to have a trial run in the garden, luckily ED 's friends called so after I fed them they put up the tent. It was a momentous day as it was the first time ever I used a BBQ. I have always thought this was a mans job and it was one of the few things I left entirely to my ex-husband, so maybe 10 years without BBQing is enough for anyone. As always I digress...
So continuing the the slow but gentle move outside my comfort zone. I decided to run a little with the dog , she really needs a good run so I when no one was looking I started to jog, It was surprisingly easy. It brought back memories of being younger and playing chase and the freedom of just being in my body and fit and young. I then of course ate a big piece of flan when I came home , but there you go. and to top off my day off edging up to the edge of the comfort zone, I let the dog off the lead. Wow it was amazing, she did not run off. I had imagined if I left her off the lead outside, she would just run and run and run and never come back, but I was wrong. Our old dog did that at every opportunity he ran off. He was my ex husbands dog and very old when we moved in together, and while we taught him lots of new tricks, staying in the garden was not one of them. Dogguswoggus as she is affectionately known has a lovely kind and gentle nature. She was happy to be off lead but it was just like she was in the garden with us, having a bit of a run around, a bit of a play, quite alot of jumping with the joy of being outside (mostly on me). She did not even run straight into the sea as I had imagined.
I suppose I learned to trust myself and my dog a little more today. I laerned that a slow genle meander to the edge of the comfort zone is ok and while others mught push me to exceed my limits I know where they are and it is just a question of moveing at my own pace to the next stage of life.
So today I will keep that in mind as I move further beyond the comfort zone.
Detachment is something I really did not understand for ages and ages. I read about it and I thought about what it means and it is only occasionally that I succeed. the last few weeks have been challenging and now I am here. I have finally succeeded in detaching from the influence of a few people that were dragging me down and I am ready now to let go and move on. I am not responsible for how other people feel. I will not take responsibility for other peoples feelings. I am taking responsibility for me, my family and my life and today I just want a little of the old joy again.
I have become aware that I am lacking in flow at present and need to find something old or new to bring it back. I the meantime I will put on my happy music and clean the house. I might not find the joy I am looking for but I might find something else.
We all have relationships that do not serve us well. I find it difficult to have relationships with people as I find it difficult to express my feeling of hurt or disappointment and shut them out when they hurt me, or I used to. One of the good things about recovering is that I can express my feelings of hurt usually when it happens and I am learning to be assertive rather than aggressive or scared.
So when do you know when to call it a day. When do you know when to end a relationship as it does not serve you anymore. That is my current dilemma. I am not talking about a significant other here. I agree with the whole don't believe everything you think school of thought as I know my thinking can be warped but what about when you feel that you do not want to do that anymore. When you have moved on to a new stage and the other person has not. When it is difficult to see the good in someone anymore. How do you know. Or maybe when you know how can you be sure it is the right thing. Maybe simply detaching is enough. I suppose I am just wondering if I am throwing the baby out with the bath water if I end this particular relationship.
I thought I was imagining some of the behaviours, the little passive aggressive things that did not sit with me but that I was connecting with on a subconscious level. I need to be more aware of those things I think and perhaps I need to raise them. So last night after a particularly trying time I light my sage stick and started to smudge the house. Gradually I became aware of where I was smudging and it dawned on me what I needed most of all was to tune into the feelings that I was feeling. Smudging is just another way of manifesting and bringing out our true feelings. So then I tried some abstract scribbling to music, another things that works for me. When I woke up today I felt refreshed and I was ready to listen to myself. I know what I want to do but I am not the only person involved. It would be nice if we could move forwards to a better understanding of ourselves and each other but all I hear is that the other person wants things to go back to how things were. It is never possible to go back. I took my leap again and I let go early this week. I think it is time to trust myself that I know the right thing to do. I suppose all I am really looking for is an endorsement of what I already have decided. It is time to move on for us all. The real question is are we moving on together or apart?
This week has been very strange for me. I have been feeling very very anxious in the morning and have needed to make a serious effort to get up and get going. I am very proud of myself for doing that. I feel empowered. When the balance shifts in any relationship there can be a bit of an adjustment time. I have been thinking alot about the balance in my relationships and how as as the power dynamic shifts how the other person reacts. I think it is only those people that are OK in themselves can readjust to the new dynamic and work towards restoring balance.
I am OK with who I am, I trust my judgement and I know that right now I am in as good a place as I can be.
So what now? Where to next? I cant answer that question right now but I do know that one place I am not going is backwards. I suppose the real question I need to ask is: I am moving forward are you coming with me?
So today take that leap of faith and trust yourself . You know you have the answer to all your questions somewhere within you. The thing is you just need to ask yourself the right questions.
I took another leap outside my comfort zone today. I attended a support group for people suffering from depression and anxiety. I put on my confident persona and just went there after weeks of thinking about it. It must have worked because the lady who was running the group did not think I was going in and almost locked me out of the room as I was she did not think I was going to attend that group. It just goes to show how well we can hide our terror with practice. That awful thing called generalised anxiety disorder has returned recently. I felt the first stings of panic about 6 weeks ago and thought that it is about time I learn to free myself from it. Anxiety is totally crippling for me. I lie in bed and cant relax enough to go to sleep, or wake up and cant relax enough to get out of bed, completely frozen by the fear of the what ifs. Today I realised that it is not being able to fulfill other peoples expectations that causes me the greatest anxiety. So I hope that I can remember that its all about me and when that awful tingly feeling start to creep up my arms and into my soul. Today I just wanted to pull the covers up over my head and sleep forever. I blame the weather and the solar flares (as usual). I did eventually manage to get up and get going but it took effort and courage. So today I congratulate myself for taking further steps into the discomfort zone. Every day I need to work at my wellness, every day I need to make the effort. It was worth it today to get up and free myself from the clutches of anxiety. It took three hours. Facing up to things is a very important step in recovering from depression and anxiety and today was a day for facing up to loads of things hence the anxiety. The thing is though that today I cut myself loads and loads of slack. I was just not able to do any better than I did today. It was my total level best. And as I always say all I can do is my best. Life can be hard but sometimes I make it harder than it really is by avoidance and catastrophising. I might be living in the discomfort zone right now but I am at least paving the way towards a future without anxiety. Time to let the inner scaredy cat out in the open.
If only we changed colour when we were anxious, like those mood rings we had as kids, people could tell just how petrified I am sometimes. I had forgotten just how horrible it was. So tomorrow I plan to say it out. I am anxious and this is scaring me. It might even free me to be brave. Hope you like today song I used to sing it with my eldest when she was sacred, and sometimes I still sing it for myself.
So today do your best, embrace your inner scardey cat, maybe all it needs is a hug.
I am having alot of realisations around other peoples judgement of me and my family. I have always loved the expression - let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I am open about the difficulties we have gone through. I am divorced, it was a messy and difficult marriage and it is still a difficult relationship for us all, but i work at it. I have a daughter who needs regular hospital treatment, it is something I may have passed onto her and this has been difficult to overcome. I have to remind myself that it was passed onto me too only it did not manifest itself. I have the guilt of that. I have another daughter who had a wild patch, I dealt with that too, she is good now. It was hard work but I took the advise I got and got on with it. I had a nervous breakdown, it all got too much for me, but I dealt with that too. I have my faults I am a little chaotic, I am a little over enthusiastic, it is hard for me to commit to things as I never know what my energy levels are going to be, I take on too much sometimes. All those are balanced by the good things, I am loyal, hard working, and kind. I suppose I am just a little tired and fed up of being judged by others. Their lives are not so perfect either. They just hide it better. Their guilt is not obvious to them, instead it manifests as physical ailments. They rely on religion or some other addiction to get them through their lives. And yet they judge me. I suppose what I am feeling is anger and quite a bit of righteous indignation. It is amazing how intense the sensation of being judged is for me right now. I was never as aware of it as I am right now. I just want to go off and point out to them their faults when they point out mine. So why dont I. Maybe it would be fun for one day to point out the beam in their eyes when they point out the splinter in mine. Instead I will take this as an opportunity to reinforce my ability to communicate and stay with myself. Time to open up my awareness of why I allow people to express their negative judgments of me.
So I am off to release some of my anger on the house work. Cleaning the bathroom is always a good place to start.
I thought that I had finished with blogging and would never write another post. Recently I have been running on the great big hamster while of life, walk the dog, work, home, kids, listening to all the complaints of the day , walk the dog, dinner, bed. And then it stopped. I went to a spa hotel for a few days. I did not know what to do with myself for the first few hours. And then I realised I dont take the time to stop and relax at all anymore. I had been having the fuzzy feeling of confusion and did not realise it meant that I needed to take some time to relax and let my mind settle.
I could feel the angst of others too clearly. I forgot to feel my own feelings. I could feel the discomfort of the confusion. I knew things were wrong but could not figure out what it was. So finally a chance conversation with a friend gave me an insight into the problem. We meet for dinner or lunch a few times a year and it is amazing how the insight of an outsider can give clarity. This clarity is something I used to get from counselling and it is now a rarity.
And so this last week I look a giant leap off my hamster wheel. I ran freely through the meadows of freedom like and newly free hamster would. I have been feeling judged by others and it has made me retreat onto the confining hamster wheel. It is great to be free again. Why oh why do I trap myself so much?? I had a lengthy conversation with someone close to the family last week. I had not realised how much her judgement of us was affecting me. So as any good hippie would do I went out and bought a sage stick to smudge the house! I still haven't smudged the house but at least I have cleared out the limiting expectations of others from my head. I need to stick with my own views of what we need and forget about trying to conform to the expectations of others. It is, as always, my downfall.
So today I am off to enjoy my freedom and remember to live my life for me.
