My posts are generally a stream of consciousness thing; where I am trying to work out something and order my thoughts. I decided to write two; an unedited one and an edited one. This post is the edited version of my last one.
For weeks I have been getting that foggy confused feeling. I know it precedes some kind of breakthrough for me; and finally this morning it arrived. I realised last night that I need to be more aware of the effects of other peoples behavior on me and of mine on them.
I spent the weekend with my family. I had a lovely time. I get very stressed about spending time with them as I feel so judged by them, ALL THE TIME, not just a little bit but everything I do and say. They of course are probably not judging me, it is all in my head. I just feel judged. When I returned I called to a friends with the kids. She shared wonderful news with me and I picked holes in it, to the point where I sucked all the joy out of it. I realised that she was feeling a bit upset by what I was saying and I apologised. After we continued the conversation she said - Oh its ok you were with your family this weekend I get it now. My family is highly analytical and assesses everything that could possibly go wrong before they do anything. I realised that I need to allow more time before and after events, to prepare and recover; in effect - to transition.
Now that I am more aware life is much easier. I can hear what other people are saying to me in a slightly less filtered way. I am leaning to listen. I can see more of what is around me and interpreted it better. I noticed that my sister in laws house was very symmetrical. It was decorated in a specific thought out way. My house just happens. She edites her life and regularly clears out stuff and I dont. We can learn things from everyone and it is time for me to learn how to edit my life. There is probably a better word but thats it.
We called the dog Mojo after Mojo Jojo of Powerful girls fame. I think I speak mojo jojoish . Last week I went on a technical report writing course. I learned that I need to be more concise. That there are two types of paragraphs; inductive and deductive. I generally write deductive ones where I am trying to persuade and make the main point ant the end, if at all. I also learned that I need to edit critically, and that the semi colon is out of fashion. Having shaken off the straight jacket of respectability I will buck fashion trends and continue to use my favourite punctuation mark.
So today I will be more aware of what I am really trying to say, Being concise in my thinking will be quite difficult for me. But here goes, no more mojo speak it now time for cat speak. Never say a mumbling word.