Saturday, 12 May 2012

full circle

Today truly celebrate the days like this:  
Throw those curtains wide, 
one day like this a year 
would see me right!

In October 2010 I did not see how I could continue to endure the daily pain and torture of life.  Thankfully in November 2010 I started to cry and could not stop.  I went to the doctor who prescribed me anti depressants and suggested I take time off work.  And so began what I call my episode.  My doctor calls it an adjustment reaction, my counsellor calls it a nervous breakdown, my friends call it a sabbatical from reality. It only needs a name or a label so that people can put it in context, I like to call it the episode.  I took the picture above in December 2010 on the track near where I live.  It was the first time I started to notice things around me in years.  I was stabilising and while I was not getting better I was not getting worse. 

I started to take daily walks in the beautiful winter light.  Light of that purity and clarity is rare here.  

Gradually I ventured further down the track. 

Spring came and I felt better.   

This morning we closed the circle.  My daughter and I walked a dawn walk to raise awareness for suicide and self harm.  It is crossed the place where I took my daily walks.  I lived in hope that doing the things people said would help me get better would eventually pay off and while I did not even want to get out of bed I took the advise, commanded my muscles and took that daily walk.  It took about a year before I would stop to chat with anyone I met on route.  I see so many others doing the same thing as I used to do.  Putting one foot in front of the other, taking that daily walk and focusing on just getting through each moment.  Eventually it will pay off for them too and one day they might even stop for a chat.  

The symbolism of the event was wonderful.  I came from darkness to light.  Dawn broke as we got about half way along and the route back was light by candles, about 2km of them.  I have come the full circle.   Today was a day in a million.  

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