Sunday, 5 May 2013

freedom to and freedom from

I have that familiar fuzzy feeling.  The one that precedes a breakthrough.  I thought I had one yesterday but today I wonder.  I love being free to do as I please.  There are consequences to this.  Judgement is one of them, disapproval is another.  I blog to release my mind from the constraints of thinking. think in ink is a tool I use to clear my head.  Right now I should be writing another blog but I need to regain my equilibrium   I have a reasonably integrated life.  I need a considerable amount of time on my own to feel stable and clear headed.  

Everyone we interact with comes to the interaction with all their own issues.  They all have their own filters.  I  have changed my filters.  I am actively seeking to escape from my own limiting beliefs and in doing so I feel a little disconnected.  I am not entirely sure why I feel peculiar but I do.  So I am trying the things that worked before and one of them is music.  I am not a great jazz fan but in times of confusion I like to listen to Nina Simone.  It brings me back to a time in my life when I was full of hope and I find it reconnects me with the joy and freedom I felt.  My art teacher used to play different music at different stages of my life drawing class, Nina Simone was always the music that energised  me the most.  Jazz seems to hit the fuzzy spot in my brain and neutralises the feeling of confusion.  Perhaps it is because it is so hard to work out what comes next with jazz unlike the predictable boom boom drum machine rhythm of techno and the noise of scremo. 

Music was an important part of my recovery process.  Learning to trust myself was another.  Letting go of my need for approval another.  If I do not need approval then why do I feel so judged?  Perhaps that is the question that is bubbling up inside.  I need to take time to process what is causing the confusion and let my mind rest.  Tomorrow I need to stay doing exactly what I plan to do.  so its back to basics again.  I was working though my list and getting on with my own stuff.  Time to go back to that and not get too caught up in judgements, mine of others and other of me.  Time to get me an ipod and some head space.  

Oh and it truly is time to enjoy being me.  I am exactly where I want to be in my life.  It is time to move onto the next thing whatever that is.  Yesterdays break through was to be open to new things and to challenging how I view things.   Memory is fickle, emotions are fleeting.  

It is time for me to trust myself. and there it is the answer to the question why do I feel peculiar I forgot to trust myself.   At the end of the day if I don't trust myself none else will be able to.  thank god for that I can stop listening to jazz now.  it is tickling my brain. This morning I felt free.  I am free and I am responsible for the choices I make.  Life is a simple as you make it. 

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