moment by moment there only is now

I had a bit of a moment recently.  A dear friend who I turn to for support and guidance told me he was thinking of leaving the group we belong to.  I go to thinking about how to take this news, it was not definate, it was not final, just considering it.  I was surprised to hear he had discussed the matter with another member of the group and she did not feel it was her place to share his thoughts with me.  I started to think about what his leaving meant to me and I realised that while I was upset at the thought of it, it was not yet a reality.  I eventually realised I had choices.  I could choose how I reacted. I could choose to share my feelings.  I Could choose to leave the group also.  I realised I control my own destining.  I did cry more than one tear and as I did I remembered the lovely song below.

I  forgot that he needed me too and now it was my turn to be patient while he worked out his stuff.  It is not all about me.  Any relationship is about give and take.  This is totally new territory for me.  I am stepping gingerly into expressing how I feel to others. I feel vulnerable and exposed but I have learnt that there is strength in vulnerability.  I have nothing to fear not even fear itself.  I am a little crazy from all the things revolving around in my brain at the moment but as always music is a great soilice.  I felt like a teenager listening to this but I never really understood it until yesterday.  I cant wait to give him a big hug and tell me that I still need support but that does not mean I cannot give it in return.  

Happy Thursday in the middle of the night.  I have been writing stuff all night and thankfully I have many of the revolving thoughts out of my head and on paper.  My younger daughter wants me to work on a project with her now.  I had been investigation starting a business and wanted to put my creative energies into making more money for me and my family.  Maybe it is time to decide its time to do things for me now.  and with that thought I am off to bed half delirious from writing non work related reports for a committee I volunteer in. Yes it is definitely time to put my creative effort towards my own financial gain.  apologies for those reading the appalling spelling and lack of proof reading