Beyond the veil

I have never connected with the feelings I am currently experiencing. I woke up Tuesday not knowing what had been going on for the last few months. I could not remember what I had to do , what job I did, what day it was or to a lesser extent who I was. It was like was in the middle of a dream.  I was experiencing a slight wave of disassociation and just could not push myself to do all that was needed. My mind said no more you need to take some time to ground yourself. I have been fighting this for weeks and in fact months. Just keeping going to the next milestone but as I passed the one I was fully focused on I just could not find the will to get up to go to the next. I had forgotten why I bothered. Today it was more of the same, the sense of a veil being lifted and the horror of all the foolish decisions of my life unveiled before me. We all made foolish decisions that is average. The thing is without that time machine we can't go back and undo them. It's about the lessons learned from them. So today instead of beating myself up about all the foolish ones I shall do a learning log of the experience I gained from them, an audit if my decisions good and bad. In the spirit of self compassion I will take a look at what it is I can take from my life so far and improve on. I might not have a cent to pay the rent but were gonna make it .... As the song goes. I have found a great new way of relieving stress- chopping wood :-) soon I will have sawed up all the broken furniture I was storing in the garage to take to the dump, the old doors, I shall have to take myself off to the woods and collect stuff to saw up or even raid skips. Just doing the simple basics can be just as good as any theraphy . I wonder what made me neglect myself for so long. I deserve to be cared for and I deserve to care for myself . So today I am cleaning the house starting in my own room. I hope that when I wake up tomorrow the order I have given myself today will make it easy for me to face all the things I can see again and know I need to deal with. Happy Wednesday 

I deserve

I forget to do things that keep me well. I need to remember, like the l'oreal ad to treat myself well ... Because I am worth it. So last week I decided to think of all of the things I did not do allow into my life. Things I think I will never have. I think I will never have a loving partner, my own home, happy children, enough money, peace of mind, full health, a contented old age, a job that I love, the courage  to do things other people take for granted, and most important of all - self confidence. I hear that voice - that's not for the likes of us. That voice is what keeps me in my place and recently that place was misery. Being miserable is a place where I am comfortable, a familiar place but not exactly where I deserve to be. As I awaken from the last few moths of fog, I realise that I was not a good friend to myself, I deserve better that I have been giving myself. Tonight I walked the dog down the road to the sea. There was a cold breeze, the moon was full and the water gleamed in that lovely silvery moon light. I thought how lovely it would be to be out walking with someone who I could share the beauty of the night with. But the thing is I here myself to enjoy it, I was going home to a lovely cozy fire with me happy dog to my lovely daughter that I perhaps don't appreciate enough. I decided to count my blessings. I slipped back to old patterns but I don't have to stay there. The world will not end if I remember to put myself first , in fact might end if I don't.  I deserve love, I deserve companionship, I deserve to be heard, I deserve to be listened to, I deserve respect, I deserve comfort, I deserve health, I deserve the money I earn, I deserve to be happy. Would I be such a bad person to feel I deserve these things. I was raised to put others first and now it is time to let go of that. I deserve to put myself first because I am worth it. 

Into the forest

I am now wandering into unchartered territory in my life. Today I overslept and when I woke I did not know what day it was what I should be doing or what was going on. The only thing I knew is that some awful weight had been lifted from me and I finally was able to give myself permission not to jump out of bed and push myself into a day of chaos. So now I wonder what to do jump out of bed , go back to sleep , or just do some of the jobs I have been putting off ,
I think it is finally time to accept that I have an illness , many people have this , many people function with it by careful management. I have wanted to be back to normal but it has been so long I don't know what that is. Time I think to take the day minute by minute again. I have been setting goals for myself to reach before I can take time to rest and just getting worse. I learnt a great lesson yesterday . I have been trying to work out if it is genuine fatigue or depression . I was advised to ask the question do I feel better after a rest . If the answer is yes it is fatigue if no then more likely to be depression. I have thoughts of jobs not done at work . Things other people want me to do but I just want to take it easy and relax , is it avoidance or is it just time for me to say look everyone enough is enough I just need some time out so that I can face you all again and be well enough to keep going. This is the bit where I need guidance , where I need someone to say hey Jane it's ok you will find your way again . When you enter a new phase a new forest it can be hard to stay on the right path . Hopefully I will find my way and get back in the groove :-) 

Merry go round

They say experience is learning to recognise your mistakes each time you make them, I am drenched in experience it seems.  I sometimes engage in reckless behaviour when depressed. We all have our own non healthy bahaviors that see us through a rough patch , it could be gambling, drugs or just eating too many chocolate brownies. Mine is to blind myself to reality and take up with entirely unsuitable men. The confession is liberating as I do not share this too often.  If there is Man out there who can spot a woman who will fall for his lines then he will find me when I am feeling less than fabulous and I will blightly follow him.  I have put safe guards in place now.  I hope my latest fool hardiness will be the last.  Amazingly this time I trusted my instincts and checked the evidence.  So I think I might be at last llearning from my mistakes.  I feel spectacularly foolish this time and more than a little embarrassed for my foolishness , but I have spent the last hour reminding myself that I had the courage to take a chance and make a mistake. I am now learning to practice self compassion and it is such a joy to move away from the awful self critism of late. Today's lesson has been to forgive myself for making a mistake. Sometimes we believe what we hear because we want to believe its true but if it seems too good to be true it probably is. Tomorrow is another day and out there somewhere is someone nice, honest and respectful , who won't feel the need to lie to me and accepts themselves and me just as we are. It's time for me to move on to the next phase of my life with courage and alone. Maybe if I approve of myself I won't need to rely on the approval of others anymore. I have made all sorts of foolish choices over the course of my life and it really is time to forgive myself and move on. I hope I will learn to treat myself with the compassion I deserve. So today forgive yourself and treat yourself with the compassion you deserve and need. Happy Wednesday.

Here we go

One of the side effects of anti depressant medication can be an increase in suicidal thoughts . My doctor explained this to me in very simple terms. When you start to come out of the depressive fog a realisation of all the problems awaiting you can be overwhelming. This can lead to suicidal thoughts . I was visited by such a thought recently. My plan has always been to jump off something very high so there is no chance of being stopped or of being revived. I suppose the reason that it is such a good plan is that I have yet to find such a place! When I feel the thoughts creating up it is usually a strange urge to climb over a bridge railing and jump. I suppose it is more like a need to escape than any thing else. I have been depressed recently. It was brought on by a combination of exhaustion and the realisation of how my flawed thinking has kept me from living my life for myself. It has always been that I must do what others want so that I can keep them happy. I had an astonishing realisation that I have allowed so many people to manipulate me and I have been a willing participant in it. I have been brave recently and  behaved like an adult, I am finally facing up to many things I have blocked out. There is that awful dip now that I heard about but what goes up must come down or in this case what goes down will come back up. Hope springs eternal. Last week I wished I believed in god so I could pray for help but I realised that it is all within myself. So I I let go and let my subconscious guide me and so far I am able to get up and function at about 50% of normal. I have to let go of more before I am back to my normal functioning and by cutting myself infj ate slack I know I will get that. Fog always clears in the presence of the sun so I think I will take the time to create my own sun. Today is not a day for looking for the perfect jumping point it is a day for throwing back the curtains and letting the sun in. Happy Sunday to you all. Remember to stay away from the edge as it is just too tempting to go over . I am going to remain firmly on the ground , feet firmly planted in reality. Here's hoping I don't get too stuck in the mud.