Friday, 20 January 2012

the roundabout

So heres the thing, now I am self aware there are many feelings and sensations I reocgnise.  I had a minor panic attack to day but I know to just keep on going through it.  I have a fuzzy feeling again.  It is like a cloud of conclusion.  I know now that confusion generally precedes a breakthrough.  This one will be about procrastination I hope.  I have been procrastinating alot for the last month.  I decided to look at the things that were getting in the way of me achieveing the things I want.  I noticed that too much stimulation, too many things happening at once, too much of a build up of mess at work of at home becomes overwhelming.  I need a quite space to organise my thoughts.  So in honour of my new years resolution I took action and went off by myself for lunch alone.  I really do need my down time.  So what beliefs are getting in the way of me taking adequate rest and downtime?   

I don't have any answers but at least I have the questions.  I have decided to work on a wellness project for myself.  It begins with a Wellness Recovery Action Plan.  I started it today.  It is quite a heavy piece of work to do as it required honesty about my triggers, what I don't do for myself, what people should do if I have another episode.  It is like a major emergency plan and an owners manual for me.  

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck on a roundabout unable to get off.  The bad thoughts try to keep me there.  Today I started to panic because I could not find my note from a meeting.  I started to panic and could not concentrate.  I had that awful sick sensation, the hot waves of panic, the dizziness, the cheat pains, the total inability to calm down.  I wanted to run home and cry.  But now I know it was just a feeling, feelings pass and taking action helps.  So I cleared my desk, I filed everything and still no sign so I let go.  I decided to just say well so what, I will just decided to accept that I lost it.  Within minutes I realized that I had filed it already.  Such  lesson for me.  The jobs I had stressed about for days were in fact simple.  I just need to cut myself some slack and accept that I am no longer the person I was.  I blocked out all the stress, ignored all the warning signs and convinced myself that all was rosy in the garden.  I am human, I make mistakes, I am still learning, and I don t except myself to have all the answers.

Today's lesson is to be kind to myself and get a bit more organised, stop forcing the flow, let things happen and don't try to control things too much.


  1. yes, you've got it. Break it down, make it simple, take it one piece (or one day) at a time, Good for you, girl! Becoming aware of the present moment and letting go of random racing mental thoughts that detour us from accomplishing what we truly need, you're getting there!

    1. hi vicki, thanks for you lovely comment, think i am nearly there now alright, I am at the end of this particular part of the journey, cant wait for the next one, the wellness recovery action plan is a very powerful tool indeed, we do everything we meed to get better when we are ready :-)