Monday, 19 August 2013

to thine own self be true

I agreed to do something that in my heart I did not want to do.  I found a justification for it.  Its only ..... Its ok because.....  Its a one off...., I could go on.  I allowed myself to be persuaded because I knew it was what the other person wanted me to do.  And that is it, he knew I found it hard to say no, so I agreed.  Now I feel like I have left myself down, I have not been true to myself.  I had a decision if I was asked this I would say no and yet I caved in and said yes.  What does that say about how I treat myself.

"This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

My father used to quote Shakespeare to me, mostly the Julius Ceaser but also Polonius speech from Hamlet.  I miss my Dad but I do have all the things he used to repeat over and over and over to me firmly ingrained in my head.  I used to tell him to shut up but now I appreciate some of the stuff he said.  

Love many trust few always paddle your own canoe.  

That was another favourite.  I get tired of paddling my own canoe sometimes.  But in the long run its better to do that than to allow someone else steer you into rocks.  

I have not been true to myself at all.  I am very sad about that.  I need to reflect on what exactly the problem is.  I decided to base my decisions on evidence and not on beliefs and feelings.  I agreed to proceed on a certain condition.  I was told that a certain condition was fulfilled.  I checked the evidence.  It was not fulfilled.  I felt left down and taken for granted, in fact I fell disrespected and considered not worth being honest with.  I suppose I gave the other person an opportunity to step up to the plate and I found him lacking.  Time to renegotiate the contract and rewrite the rules.  Or perhaps end the game.

I think its best if I take a few days to think it over.  Mostly things have been good for me.  there have been a few other incidents that make me wonder.  I suppose the question is now can I live with the betrayal.  It has brought up other times when I trusted and was left down.  My heart tells me to walk away but my head says the costs do not yet outweigh the benefits.  Last time this happened I was 21 I was hurt, I lashed out and ultimately lost out.  I always wondered if I had not lashed out and been petulant what would have happened.  Would it have worked out different, or would I have lived a whole life feeling worthless.  

I did a guided spirit meditation today to connect with your spirit guide.  I see this as a good way to unlock stuff from your subconscious.  Three people appeared, the first was myself at aged 5 in a pink and yellow hot pants swinging on the gate telling me to come on there was loads to do yet.  the second was the man who took my ability to trust and love, the third was my grandmother as a young woman.  5 year old me told me it was safe and ok.  The man gave me a gift in a box.  when I opened it it was my heart.  He gave me back heart it was very beautiful in a beautiful purple box.  My granny made me cry. I last saw her when she was in a coma and dying.  She put her hand on my shoulder and as i looked up she turned from an old woman in to a beautiful young girl.  She came today to give em a letter with the word love on it.  She was dancing around her long black hair swinging and skirts twirling.  She was totally free and very happy. 

I am still a little puzzled by the meditation but I felt much lighter after it.   Usually my inner child comes to me because she is scared.  Now she is telling me its time to have fun.  So is my grandmother.  Have fun for myself and not for others.  do what I enjoy and not what others think I should.  

My father always advised me not to rush into decisions.  I was a very head strong child, I always knew best.  no I don't know best, or rather I dont do what I know is best.  I am going to bring my joyful child with me for a while and see ho much easier life is.  People laughed at her but she did not care, she just swung her head tossed her hair and kept on doing her own thing.  

So take its time to take my subconscious minds tip for today.  Take back your heart, take the offer of love from others, swing on a gate in the sun, and when others ask you to stray from your path, toss you hair swing your skirts and dance off on  your own path.  

love many trust few and don't paddle your own canoe get an out board motor to make it easier.

Happy Monday

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