Sunday, 18 August 2013

hear me roar when i whisper

I have vertigo.  In short I have a label to explain why my head feels like it is spinning.  I think it is a physical manifestation of an emotional imbalance.  I have been feeling shame again recently.

According to wikipedia, shame is a volition of cultural or social values, while guilt arises from violating our internal values.  Not conforming to cultural values seems to be the story of my life. shame it seems is about evaluation of the self and guilt about the actions. the difference between saying i am bad and i did something bad.

why do I think I am bad? I have not experienced shame in quite a while but last week it rushed up into me again.  Like a bad visitor who I thought I had got rid of.  What is bringing me to this place and why have I lost my confidence again.  I feel a loss of power and motivation.  Some people can tap into that sense of low self worth I have carried with me for many years.  I thought I had got away from it but maybe recent incidents have made me feel it again.  I have many memories of shame and confusion from my childhood. Mostly of people laughing at me as a child when i did silly childish things.  I could not work out why they laughed at me but they did.  I did ask but I never got an adequate explanation.  this week someone said to me I was a big old silly.  It reminded me of what my mother used to day to me.  don't be worrying about that you are a silly goose to worry about that.  I needed to have my fears listened to and to be understood, to have the world explained to me in a way I could understand.  It keeps coming back to that for me.  I thought my inner child was all grown up but yet again she has popped out to be heard.  I have woken up crying at night because I feel so confused and I cannot even label the confusion or where it is coming from.

I think that the shame is that I am not conforming to the expectation of others.  I am been asked to accept something that goes against my better judgement.  I know others can accept such things but I cannot.  I agreed to accept it and since then I have been feeling ashamed that I did not.  I am ashamed that I have left myself down.  I have not stuck with my beliefs and I feel an internal conflict that is immobilising me.  When I try to move I get dizzy and unbalanced.  so it seems I need to do some work on this again.  Time to make a list of all the things that are confusing me and find answers for them.  I suppose I need to know that I am doing the right thing for me.

So in summary I need to be still and settle.  This is making me stay still and keep my eyes closed and to turn off my mind.  Perhaps I am trying to force a realisation that is not there.  perhaps it is only exactly what it is an inner ear infection that gives me symptoms similar to panic attacks without the emotional cause.  I lived in a constant state of panic for so long that this prolonged dizzy spell is reminding me of all of them.  I t is deeply unpleasant to relive them and perhaps I need to just relax and let the dizziness pass in the same way as I would let the panic attacks pass.

So now I think I have it, it does not matter why I feel bad I do.  Instead of beating myself up about it I need to tale car of myself and not pressure myself to be any better than I am.  Its ok to be ill and although there is an emotional cause for illness there is also a physical one.  I may be a receptive host to the virus but that does not mean I am a bad person.  I can learn from this.  This is a sign that I need to look after my physical health better.  So its time to stop blaming myself for getting sick and be kind to myself and allow myself the time and space to heal.  So its all about healing and not poking at myself to uncover the hurts just accept that they happened and learn to comfort myself in healthy ways.  It is time to open up my tool box and see what i left myself the last time I recovered from a bit of a downer.  From memory i put juggling balls, a crochet pattern and a list of recovery tools in an actual box to be there for when I felt bad.  time to root out the tool box and the guidance from the well me.  I do take care of myself really.

Today's realisation is I know what to do and I know how I feel I just need to allow myself to be myself. oh and I need peace and quite too:)

no more berating myself for being dizzy i shall live on my bed and think of nice things I can do when i am well again.

Happy Sunday  

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