Saturday, 3 August 2013

new dawn new day Again

I stopped blogging as I had nothing to write about.  today I had the urge to write.  I have been very busy for the last few months and just took the time to stop and stay still for the last few days.  It is quite amazing what you see when you really look.  I saw things in people I had not noticed before and I saw things in myself I thought I would never see again.  I felt my sense of self in a very profound way almost as the opposite of an out of body experience - I felt totally at peace with myself and the world.  I suppose it was a moment of total clarity.  In the past people went on retreated or mediated to gain this, i just went to bed for three days and slept, well not exactly but i did spend a great part of three days asleep or resting.  It was almost like being a new person and seeing the world with totally new eyes.  I was amazed at how much people have been taking me for granted and how much I allowed that, I was amazed at how much people try to put me in a box, I was also amazed at  how many people are happy to let me just be myself and support me.  Life is pretty strange for me at the moment, I feel as great sense of transition and of realisation that there are so many life experiences waiting for me.  So many new things for me to experience things that I don't even know exist or can even imagine.  I have just had a very positive year and remember back to this time last year, to the confusion I felt, to the lack of confidence and to my lack of direction.  the big difference is that now I fell safe expressing my uncomfortable feeling, particularly when I am confused by something and when I don't fully understand.  One of my new favourite memories is of me singing for my mothers friend and her laughing at me.  At the time I was deeply embarrassed and confused and that was a feeling I felt alot as a child and until fairly recently.  I used to hold in that feeling, the awful shame and guilt and confusion.  since I have learned to express myself with confidence I can now say I don't understand why you are laughing and I as an adult I know that it was because of my earnestness and pure seriousness, I was indeed a very serious child.  I had to work out everything for myself.  I did not know how to ask for help or clarification and now I do.  I have been able to go back through all those memories where I felt less than ok and confused and reimagine what life would have been like had I been able to understand and ask for clarification.  Wow it was amazing indeed mostly I found that I imagined people explaining things to me in a way I could understand.  I cant relive my past but I can reimage it.  I can change how I view those memories of shame and remind that little girl that she is ok as she is.  My inner child grew up in the past year and no longer need other peoples adults to approve of her.  I approve of her and that is what matters.  Having a sense of confidence in myself and my abilities is so incredibly liberating and I feel as free as a bird.

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