who am I where am I where am I going how do I get there

I am currently exploring my sense of identity and this says it all really. 

when in the jungle don't forget to use your machete

I sat down this morning to write up a proposal for one of the many ideas that are certain to drive me crazy if I don't get them out of my head and down on paper.  One of the proposals is for an art exhibition related to the change of the way local government is delivered.  As I was writing up the proposal or funding and support I realized that I was in fact describing how I felt about myself and my place in the world.  The idea is all about the loss of our town boundary and the amalgamation of all the local councils into one larger council.  I started by writing out the germination of the idea which has been floating around in my head for about a year in many different forms.  As I wrote I realised that all the things  was writing was really applicable to my growth as a person and my belief system that has developed out my my own loss of identity.  I am working around my people pleasing behaviours and was questioning why I felt the need to work on this idea and promote a sense of identity for the town and realised how important identity was for me.

I also realised that t my need to use all my talents to the best of my ability was being satisfied in a way that consolidated my identity and how I view myself in the world rather than how I satisfied my belief around my talents previously.  Previously I felt that it was a sin not to use all my abilities and went done the road of using the talents that other people identified as my best.  I realised that they were seeing in me something of them selves and directing me in a way they would have liked to have followed.  My father would have liked to have had to opportunity for a technical education, instead he funded the education of hi younger brother.  My mother gave up ON her dreams as she realised it was too hard, and I was encouraged by her to think that if you put your mind to it you could do anything.  I had a major breakthrough the other day when my inner child aged around ten years in a week.  now she is a teenager and as a teenager she is minding and bringing along all the other lite inner children who need her help.  Our role as parents is to help our children find their way in the world and guide them as best we can.  Some of us know where the best paths are and some of us have to thrash around in the jungle of life to ind our way.  so today I am off to find my machete and hack out my own path in the hope that when I find my way others will too.

Happy Friday apologies for spelling and lack of editing, had to down load this from my brain so I could function today. 

moment by moment there only is now

I had a bit of a moment recently.  A dear friend who I turn to for support and guidance told me he was thinking of leaving the group we belong to.  I go to thinking about how to take this news, it was not definate, it was not final, just considering it.  I was surprised to hear he had discussed the matter with another member of the group and she did not feel it was her place to share his thoughts with me.  I started to think about what his leaving meant to me and I realised that while I was upset at the thought of it, it was not yet a reality.  I eventually realised I had choices.  I could choose how I reacted. I could choose to share my feelings.  I Could choose to leave the group also.  I realised I control my own destining.  I did cry more than one tear and as I did I remembered the lovely song below.

I  forgot that he needed me too and now it was my turn to be patient while he worked out his stuff.  It is not all about me.  Any relationship is about give and take.  This is totally new territory for me.  I am stepping gingerly into expressing how I feel to others. I feel vulnerable and exposed but I have learnt that there is strength in vulnerability.  I have nothing to fear not even fear itself.  I am a little crazy from all the things revolving around in my brain at the moment but as always music is a great soilice.  I felt like a teenager listening to this but I never really understood it until yesterday.  I cant wait to give him a big hug and tell me that I still need support but that does not mean I cannot give it in return.  

Happy Thursday in the middle of the night.  I have been writing stuff all night and thankfully I have many of the revolving thoughts out of my head and on paper.  My younger daughter wants me to work on a project with her now.  I had been investigation starting a business and wanted to put my creative energies into making more money for me and my family.  Maybe it is time to decide its time to do things for me now.  and with that thought I am off to bed half delirious from writing non work related reports for a committee I volunteer in. Yes it is definitely time to put my creative effort towards my own financial gain.  apologies for those reading the appalling spelling and lack of proof reading 

freedom from

who made the rules and why did I not get a copy.

Freedom comes in many parts.  As part of my therapy I was reminded that freedom is one of the four needs, freedom fun love and power.  Freedom from and freedom to.  Freedom from judgement, freedom from fear, freedom to do as i please, freedom to think for myself.

I freed myself from my need for approval and yet feel upset when judged.  Clearly I am not fully free.  I need to remind myself that I am living my life for myself.  

So I asked myself the question who made the rules and why did I not get a copy.  I make my own rules and as long as I am ok with myself and my actions then I am ok.  I did have a long think about why I was so fuzzy today and realised it was because I felt unfairly judged.  I live by my own values and not by the values of others, it is only when I am true to my own values that I am be authentic, that I am truly myself.  My discomfot was not in the judgement but in the moment when I nearly abandoned myself.  I caught myself just in time. Well done me.

I am enough as I am.

freedom to and freedom from

I have that familiar fuzzy feeling.  The one that precedes a breakthrough.  I thought I had one yesterday but today I wonder.  I love being free to do as I please.  There are consequences to this.  Judgement is one of them, disapproval is another.  I blog to release my mind from the constraints of thinking. think in ink is a tool I use to clear my head.  Right now I should be writing another blog but I need to regain my equilibrium   I have a reasonably integrated life.  I need a considerable amount of time on my own to feel stable and clear headed.  

Everyone we interact with comes to the interaction with all their own issues.  They all have their own filters.  I  have changed my filters.  I am actively seeking to escape from my own limiting beliefs and in doing so I feel a little disconnected.  I am not entirely sure why I feel peculiar but I do.  So I am trying the things that worked before and one of them is music.  I am not a great jazz fan but in times of confusion I like to listen to Nina Simone.  It brings me back to a time in my life when I was full of hope and I find it reconnects me with the joy and freedom I felt.  My art teacher used to play different music at different stages of my life drawing class, Nina Simone was always the music that energised  me the most.  Jazz seems to hit the fuzzy spot in my brain and neutralises the feeling of confusion.  Perhaps it is because it is so hard to work out what comes next with jazz unlike the predictable boom boom drum machine rhythm of techno and the noise of scremo. 

Music was an important part of my recovery process.  Learning to trust myself was another.  Letting go of my need for approval another.  If I do not need approval then why do I feel so judged?  Perhaps that is the question that is bubbling up inside.  I need to take time to process what is causing the confusion and let my mind rest.  Tomorrow I need to stay doing exactly what I plan to do.  so its back to basics again.  I was working though my list and getting on with my own stuff.  Time to go back to that and not get too caught up in judgements, mine of others and other of me.  Time to get me an ipod and some head space.  

Oh and it truly is time to enjoy being me.  I am exactly where I want to be in my life.  It is time to move onto the next thing whatever that is.  Yesterdays break through was to be open to new things and to challenging how I view things.   Memory is fickle, emotions are fleeting.  

It is time for me to trust myself. and there it is the answer to the question why do I feel peculiar I forgot to trust myself.   At the end of the day if I don't trust myself none else will be able to.  thank god for that I can stop listening to jazz now.  it is tickling my brain. This morning I felt free.  I am free and I am responsible for the choices I make.  Life is a simple as you make it.