Tuesday, 22 January 2013

No drama

I have not written for a while as I had nothing to write about but today was as strange a day as I have had in a while. I attend a support group now and I find it a great help Ho know I am not alone in my suffering. Tonight I had the most unbelievable trigger and cried at the meeting. It is easy to think that once we are well we will stay well but that is not the case . It is similarly the case that when we are ill we will not stay ill forever. Recently I have started to feel my own value and realise my self worth but today I had a setback . I was pulled back to a place I no longer wish to be. Someone took out their bad temper on me at work and I was incredibly upset. Until recently I would have been upset for a long time and bottled it up instead I spoke out and used my tools , tapping is a great release for me. But it reminded me of what anxiety feels like , how the waves of heat rush over me, I feel dizzy , I loose rational thought, I get stuck in that emotion all day or even for days . It was a painful reminder of how I ended up in the bad place I got to before my episode. At tonight's meeting there were more reminders of my mistakes, my bad experiences and my faulty thinking in the past . It is hard for me to  step out of my family role of the one who is always at fault. It is a role I now reject . A role I no longer wish to play. I have that foggy feeling again that I will learn something new or have a new revelation soon. I think it might be that I sometimes shit just happens for no fecking reason at it . It just does. To Iight there are no answers  just a sense that there are a lot of mean people in the world that I need to avoid. I might be less of a Pollyanna now than I was yesterday but at least I know when I slip backwards there are a whole load of people ready to reach out and help me. Best of all I know how to accept help and can seperate out the genuine offers from the bogus. I suppose perhaps i am learning that it is easy to fall down but not ok to stay there . I want a calm life free of drama and that is what I shall create. 

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