I have very happy memories of my early childhood but not so many of my late childhood and early teens. Things happened that I did not understand and nobody explained them to me so I made assumptions. I did not know how to ask or even what questions to ask. I accepted things as they were. That is one strategy but one that has taken me time to unlearn. One of the key breakthroughs I had was in relation to parenting. I learned that children, even teenagers and young adults, need to have things explained to them. Nobody is born knowing about life, we learn it, and hopefully we learn it in a warm and tender and loving environment. Sometimes we do not find the love we seek from others, sometimes we do. There is always one person who stays with us; ourselves. It is only when we don't love ourselves and we abandon ourselves that we truly loose love. It has taken me a long time to love myself but yesterday I found out that my eldest knows that I love her unconditionally. Perhaps this is a sign that I know how to love unconditionally and that I am showing that I love myself.
I often wished that some people loved me more than they did. That they loved me enough not to leave me or abandon me. The thing is I didn't love me enough not to abandon me. That sentence I keep hearing form my counsellor, You abandoned You, finally makes absolute sense. Yesterday I did not abandon myself but I nearly did. I shall list that with my other achievements and concentrate on what I have achieved and not what others notice that I have not achieved.
Today's achievements so far; getting up, opening the curtains, getting dressed in a nice outfit, getting the children to school with all their stuff and lunches, feeding the furry brothers (guinea pig and rabbit), getting to work on time, being pleasant and making small talk with colleagues although I wanted to hide at home and cry, completing another part of my work project, realising how to solve a problem at work, going home for lunch, and cooking a nutritious lunch, making a lovely comforting cup of tea, writing in my blog. All these things seem trivial but then its being able to deal with the trivialities of life that keep us going. This time last year my only achievement on that list would have been getting up, if I was lucky. Last night I watched Its a wonderful life and this time I cried as I was so close to the edge this time last year.
Today think about all the things you do that you take for granted and realise how much they mean to those around you if they were not done or you were not here. It really is a wonderful life.
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