Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Alone again naturally

I have been trying to come to a decision today . Should I end the relationship . I decided to make a list of the good and bad , to be practical and objective . I saw a side of him that I did not like . A nasty cruel one and I remembered back to the time when I was married and my ex husband used to lie to me. I got so confused I did not know my own mind in the end. I had the same hollow empty alone feeling.   Nervous people like me often blame themselves fir the bad behaviour of others . They excuse it because of their own inadequacies and shame. I realised today that the overwhelming feeling was shame , an emotion that I thought I left behind long ago. But no it followed me and blindsided me . I was too busy doing things I thought  were important . I finally got some quiet time . Tonight I decided to reflect on life in general. I decided to look at the pattern of the times I felt hurt in the relationship and each time it came down to the fact that he acted without a thought to me or my feelings.  I looked for  things to balance this he has helped me deal with stressful situations and shown me how to believe in myself.  I have spent years trying to uncover where the shame cones from . I think it's too ingrained to find.   It is perhaps this that is the lesson : I am becoming aware of having to let go of shame. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the busyness of life and forget to take care of the basics. So it's back to basics for me.  Meditation , exercise, nutrition, love myself and my
Family and pets and friends. Give back and work hard. I compromised my fundemental personal values during the relationship.  I decided long ago that I would never again stay in a relationship with someone who tried to twist what I believe . I nearly slipped back . I might end up alone again but it is better to be alone and same and happy than to wonder if I am going crazy. If someone wants to be in a relationship with me they must share my values that is a decision I took years ago . I will not compromise on this .  I now know why I was confused . It was because I was doing  something that is out of alignment with my core self and beliefs. I hope that I will come through this and be happy again. Life is beautiful and too short to waste on those that do not value me. I wonder how this will turn out. I think I will emerge from this dip a stronger person and learn to really value myself . I think I have a new motto . Me first :)  nighty night 

1 comment:

  1. Care for yourself is the antidote to shame. Doing my own self-care with the assistance of Kelly Coffey, personal trainer. Her website http://www.strongcoffey.com/index.php/pleasure-principles-e-course/ offered an e-course I was primarily interested in because I was gaining weight and self-sabotaging. But now I'm learning what is underneath, shame, been there since I was a kid and was in my father, too. Now I see I passed it on to my own daughters. Good luck, Jane. Take care of yourself first!