Have not written on here is a long time. I am feeling like pure shite . I am upset cross cranky hopeless  I cannot find enough words . I am angry . I have been living in a fools paradise. I thought I was happy  but sadly I am now unsure of how I am. Something happened at work that threw me right back to before my episode. It made me question why I thought I had moved on . I felt so sad and upset and felt like I made no progress at all . I felt like I had been living in a fools paradise . That things were not really any better . That I am still the same useless person I was . That I have been fooling myself about what I achieved . That I dint matter at all . I was left down and lied to by a close friend . I should have seen it comming . Again fools paradise . I thought I was loved but I feel used . Fools paradise . I used to find writing stuff down helped but now I am not so sure . I fell fir all the bullshit . I fell for the lies. I am a fool indeed . I should have known better . But them that's life you live and learn . I am very angry with myself for not realising sooner what a complete and utter fool I was being . I want to keep living in the fools paradise and that is why i am so upset and angry . I was happy there . I was in fact blissfully happy there and since my eyes were opened to the reality I cannot be happy there anymore. I am sad and angry about it . I dint even know how tongi forward now. I wonder if I will ever be happy again .